Friday, February 27, 2004

Hooray for ASP!

Today has been a wonderful, terrific, amazing day. Well, getting up early and going to five classes wasn't great. And taking a test that was really hard wasn't terrific. But I got wonderful news and everything since 3 p.m. has be AWESOME, so I really have nothing to complain about.

First let me just say, I GOT THE JOB!!!!! I am SO excited. I mean, I'm also scared to death that I'll screw it up or not be good enough or strong enough, but I'm going to work my hardest and give 900% to make sure that doesn't happen. And I'm SO ECSTATIC about this. Incredibly happy. Whenever I think about it, I want to jump up and down and scream. (And have, several times today) So Rachel and I will both be ASP staffers this summer, serving God and helping people... does it get any better than that?

Next, my sister now has confirmation that she has been accepted to TWO, that's right TWO DMA programs. (That's doctor of musical arts, for all of you non-music people) She now gets to choose between at least 2 schools that she really likes. This also takes a bunch of the pressure off of her last few auditions, since she knows that she already has options.

Last night I got to go see the Count Basie Orchestra, and they rocked my socks off. Seriously. The trumpet players were AMAZING and so was the pianist (and for that matter, the whole BAND...) I was blown away. It gave me enough courage that maybe tomorrow I'll get up the guts to play my trumpet.

Today was gorgeous and it's going to be even prettier tomorrow. It's been warm and sunny, and we've played frisbee almost every day, simply to be together and outside enjoying ourselves. The only problem with this is that I have to work from noon to seven p.m. tomorrow. That's a freaking long desk shift. I took it so that I can go to Sunday Supper, but it's a really long shift. So, who knows, I may be writing a bunch tomorrow simply out of boredom. At least I have things to do. I need to study for my Geology test and read Thomas Aquinas for humanities, plus I need to figure out my schedule for next semester. And I can always take a coloring book and my crochet stuff and a free reading book, just in case.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I hurt people because I say things without thinking. I said something to someone yesterday that I didn't think they would listen to, but they did. It was accurate, but I'm afraid I may have hurt them, and that was not my goal. I need to learn that I can't say everything I think at the moment that I think it. That's never a good idea. So, if I've ever hurt you by doing that, I'm sorry. I'm working on it.

Anyway, off to chill, or maybe sleep. I'll probably write more tomorrow when I'm bored and trapped at the desk.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Jumbled Emotions on Ash Wednesday

So many mixed feelings flying around my head and heart today. Where to start? Probably at the beginning. This morning as I was getting ready to go to class, I got a phone call from my sister. She just discovered that she got into the doctoral program at Cincinnati. I'm so happy for her! It's only one of the several schools that she applied to, but it's a first step. She also got recommended for an assistantship, which would mean that she would get full tuition and an $8,000 stipend. It's awesome.

Also, I got an e-mail from my pastor about our mission trip for the summer. I'm signed up to go at this point, even if I get rejected for a job with the same organization. I really love the program and everything, but I'm not sure I could handle going for a week if I get rejected for the job. Also, one of my close friends from home got accepted to work for the program. I'm really happy for her and I know that she's going to do an AWESOME job, but I'm also a little nervous that I won't get a job. And, while I'm really glad that she got the job, I also really hope that I get one. I don't WANT to have hard feelings about it, and I'm going to work at not being jealous, but it's kind of hard. This is all speculative, however, because I don't know whether or not I got the job. That, too, is freaking me out. I wish they would just tell me that I did or didn't get the job, and not make me sit around waiting to find out. I know that the selection people are really good, and that if I don't get the job I wouldn't have been good at it or able to handle the challenge, but that just means that if I don't get the job I'm really no good. And that's an incredibly depressing thought. So, to sum up my emotions, I'm ecstatic for my friend, but nervous for myself... I really don't know how to respond to this situation.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. It's the beginning of a season in which we remember the suffering of Jesus Christ. In order to understand this suffering, we also give up something in our lives to help us remember that sacrifice and get a tiny taste of the misery He must have felt. This year I am giving up junk food. That means all candy, desserts of all kinds, pop/soda/coke/carbonated beverages, sugary cereals, and all fried foods (with the exception of toasted ravioli) are out of my diet until Easter. In other words, I voluntarily gave up all the foods that bring me joy. Until April, I will be drowning my sorrows in fruit juice and consoling myself with lettuce. Eek. The only time that I am allowing myself to get out of this is when we go to Peru for spring break, and only then because I'm not sure what I will be able to eat, plus I don't want to lose the chance to try something completely new to me while I'm in another country.

I took another test today, and it went OK. I didn't feel like I had enough time to answer anything thoroughly, but I knew almost all of the information, so I can't have done TOO badly. Now I just have 2 tests, a weekend of work, a very intimidating meeting, and anxiety about my summer job ahead of me. And it got cold and windy again. Great. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..." I really am moving to Indonesia. Tomorrow. Forever. Not soon enough.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Voices, Homicide, and Puppies, oh my!

I hate my voice, and not just my singing voice, but also my speaking voice. It's all squeeky and nasal, and loud and annoying. I hate listening to recordings of myself for that exact reason. Honestly, how can anyone stand to listen to me talk? In my head, my voice sounds alto and not nasal at all... but that's because it's echoing in my head. I'd like to apologize to all of you who have to listen to me talk. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was reading the newspaper from my hometown today, and apparently some guy shot his wife on Valentine's Day. I'm sorry guys, but this is one more person who adds to the category of "guys are jerks". I mean, really, what is that? "Happy Valentine's Day, honey.... have some lead pumped into your chest." I've heard of the St. Valentine's Day massacre, but this isn't mob business, it's a marriage. That is NO GOOD.

I'm going to go volunteer at the Humane Society this afternoon, and I'm really excited. I'm not sure what we're doing, but I know that it will involve me being around animals, which is awesome. I really wish that I could have a dog... it's been a dream of mine since I was little. I always wanted to have a dog, or a puppy, but I could never have one because my dad and sister are allergic. And now I'm in the dorms and can't have one. But as soon as I graduate, I'm getting a puppy. The very second that it's possible for me to keep a pet, I'm getting a puppy. Not a little yippy dog, but a middle-sized or large dog to cuddle with. I can't wait.

So, right, this whole entry has been an attempt at procrastinating studying for my test tomorrow, since I don't have any idea what to study. And now I have to go do mail, which is more procrastination. HOORAY!!! I hate tests.

Survivor: Missouri

It's monday again, which means a new week, new news, new challenges, and new adventures. First, a friend of mine came out to me about being gay, which, although not too surprising, was really cool. He finally seems comfortable, not to mention that I think he might be more fun as a gay guy than a straight one. I'm happy for him, because he seems happier with himself.

I ran again, for the first time since last week, and I feel better about it. For once I have MORE energy after running, rather than less. It also may have something to do with the fact that I went to bed at 10:30 last night. It felt AMAZING and I didn't even get sleepy during my five classes today.

I survived the first of the 4 crazy tests, which is probably a good sign. I don't even think I did too badly on it, with the exception of having guessed that one of the text identifications was from Luke instead of Matthew. Even so, I definitely passed, and even have the possibility of doing well.

Sarah and I spent a great deal of today at Wal-Mart. We had to go twice, and we were trying to get film developed, so we spent an hour there the first time, before finding out that the film wasn't done yet. Still, it was cool to get to catch up on her stuff and chill a little bit.

I didn't accomplish anything today, though, which is really bad. I got some much-needed chilling time in with the girls (Stef, Sarah, Colleen, and even a movie with Jen!!! :)) but I didn't get much studying or homework done. This is a busy week, so it's going to be hectic. I have to get a Wesley table tent done by Wednesday, I have 3 tests to prepare for, volunteering at the Humane Society, and I have to meet with the district superintendent about getting a mentor to get the ball rolling on the whole becoming a minister thing... yikes. But I'll get through it, no problem. Go me.

So, hooray for early bedtimes, chilling with the girls, and pretending to get stuff done! Mmm...good start to the week. And now, back to your regularly scheduled discussion of elevator makeout sessions.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

The Wombat's Metaphor

A guy friend of mine said this earlier today, and perhaps it's a new take for all us girls out there... at least it's something to consider.

Like Apples on a Tree

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to retrieve. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Thank you to he-who-let-me-post-his-words. I'll keep thinking on this one.

Save the World...

What an interesting weekend this has turned out to be. Some random observations and emotions from the weekend thus far:

The Vagina Monologues were awesome. Some parts made me just want to break down and cry, others made me laugh until my abs were sore. They were amazing. I finally felt like, for once, I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only person who occasionally hated being a girl, and who hated being picked on and thought of as weak because of it. Thank you to Sarah, and Eve Ensler, and everyone else who contributes to a production, a movement like that. Cunts unite.

One of my friends go dumped this weekend. He's a really sweet, if a bit hobbity-looking guy. And I just want to hug him. He says, "I'm OK. Or I will be, future tense." But I can see the sadness and loneliness in his eyes, and I just want to hold him and tell him that it will be OK. He's been wandering the halls all night, looking very sad. *sigh* Rejection bites, and so does being alone.

I'm a bit worried about my grades for this semester. I officially feel really dumb right now. I got an incomplete on a paper for the first time in my life earlier in the week. Then each time we discuss the papers we turned in for Religious Studies, I think that I did even worse. The writing wasn't bad, but I don't think I got the gist of the assignment right, which would lead me to not doing well on the paper. Also, I have 4 tests coming up soon, and I don't feel prepared for any of them, I only really know what to expect on one of them, and I'm not sure I'm going to be prepared to do what is expected. I feel as though I'm in over my head and I'm wearing concrete spike heels.

I love playing frisbee. I love it. I'm really awful at it, but it's fun. It's amazing. It's mild exercise (VERY MILD), done outside in beautiful weather, and you can talk to people while you're doing it. It's the perfect atmosphere to have a fun conversation with people because it doesn't cost money, it's not high-pressure, it's just relaxed and nice. Who would ever have thought of throwing a plate-like-disk-thing around for the sheer enjoyment of it? Who dreamed THAT up? Yet, I am thankful to whoever did it.

Joy that spring is coming. Frustration with my faults. Overwhelmed by my workload. Worried about my friends. Nervous about the Process. Annoyed with males in general (no, don't get offended). Excited for Spring Break. Dreading Lent. Missing people far away. Thankful for people closeby. Glad to have been able to play Euchre. Wishing there were more time in a day. Sleepy.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Spring Fever

It is absolutely gorgeous today. I want to go frolick, to run and skip and spin in circles, like I did when I was seven. Man, being seven was great. No worries, just imagination. School was about friends and the biggest challenge in class was learning to write in cursive. I want to go back to that. Forget writing papers and studying for tests, I want to go play tag and laugh in the sunshine.

Can I just go outside and run around? I want to lie in the grass and watch the clouds float above me, wondering where they're going and why I can't catch a ride on one. I want to dance with the breeze and spin around in circles until I fall down. Why is it that when we grow up and understand the world, we forget how amazing it all is? I mean, I realize that we have responsibilities and stuff as we get older, but can't we get a day off to just enjoy the little wonders in the world?

I realize that this is a switch, I'm normally pretty serious. And in the winter, I wouldn't even DREAM of saying things like this. But I guess that's the joy of spring. We see all the young things in nature, then new stuff, and we remember what it was like when we were younger and everything was new to us. Maybe I'm just behind the learning curve on this whole "forget the kid stuff" thing. Or maybe I'm just immature. But I want to go outside and "play and play and play".

Here I am again, quoting lyrics to narrate my life, but this one about works for my current feelings. Thank God for this day.

"Today, I took a walk up the street. Picked a flower, climbed a hill above the lake. And secret thoughts were said aloud, I watched the faces in the cloud until the clouds had blown away. Were we ever somewhere else? You know, it's hard to say.

But I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world. You've given me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now. Oh I never saw blue like that before.

I can't believe a month ago, I was alone. I didn't know you, I hadn't seen you or heard your name. And even now, I'm so amazed. It's like a dream, it's like a rainbow, it's like the rain. And some things are the way they are, and words just can't explain.

Cause' I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world. You've given me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how to see th world the way I see it now. Oh I never saw blue like that before.

And it feels like now, and it feels always, and it feels like coming home. I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world. You've given me all you have and more. And no one else has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now. Oh I never saw blue like that before. Oh I never saw blue like that before."
-Shawn Colvin, "Never Saw Blue Like That"

25 more minutes of work, then I can go frolick in the sunshine. I'm out.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Beautiful, Bad Day

So, we're finally over the hump for the week, and it's a good thing. I mean, if this week goes on for much longer, I'm going to have issues.

I have been incredibly tired this week, falling asleep in almost all of my classes. While it isn't a heavy week in terms of homework, I'm trying to get ahead on everything else. I've been working on Wesley Outreach stuff and trying to get ahead on the Inquiry Process. There really is no reason for me to be tired, but I am exhausted anyway.

I feel like a bum, because tonight is the first night this week that I haven't done some kind of workout. I ran with Sarah Sunday night and Tuesday night, and Monday I did my old tennis workout. I should go work out, but I really don't feel like it.

I got back a paper today that I got an incomplete on, which totally sucks. I just feel really dumb this semester, like all of my classes are more challenging than usual. I'm afraid that my GPA is going to suffer this semester, which isn't a good sign for this whole new major thing. But who knows, perhaps I'll be OK after all.

Anyway, I can't complain too much because the weather finally got warmer and sunnier today, which is awesome. Tomorrow I'll go running with Sarah again and I won't have any classes to depress me, and I'll go see my study abroad advisor, which will be good. So I guess I'll just spend the rest of the night focusing on those positives. Right. I might just go to bed early to avoid the rest of this bad day.

Monday, February 16, 2004


Ouch. I ran today for the first time in a very, VERY long time. And now I hurt. But it's a good pain... an I-accomplished-something kind of pain. Sarah encourages me, "Now you can tell everyone that you kept up with an international running star!" Well, not exactly, she had to go slow for me and I only ran about half of it with her, but it's a start. I get the distinct feeling that tomorrow morning I will wake up paralyzed from the middle of my back down. But it's all good.

Today has been my day for religious conversations. I counseled one friend on investigating several western religions, then explained the differences between Catholicism and Protestantism to another. I feel as though I'm practicing for my future career. I hope I don't screw this up.

Of all the ways that today could have gone, I think it went the best possible way. Hooray for that. And hooray for my Mom being a math genius and actually making my homework make sense. And hooray for my awesome FARCing friends. And hooray for sleep.

Sunday, February 15, 2004


Wow. What a Valentine's Day this has been. I almost don't know what to write. OK, I have to admit, nothing about today was as bad as I thought it would be. I did get some surprising attention, and it was fabulous. Valentine's Day wasn't a horrible day after all. Now comes the difficulty: how to deal with the car once I've caught it.

For anyone who doesn't know the story, roses were delivered "anonymously" this morning. These were followed in the evening by the giver, delivering balloons in person. They're from a sweet, adorable, cute guy, too. However, there are complications, which I need to sort out. Complications that make me sad and upset and confused. Why oh why oh why are there always complications?

As for the rest of my day, the girls are wonderful. Sarah came home early, which made me very happy. Stef chilled with me some earlier in the day (excellent of course!) and Kristen and I had a great time at dinner. There were also the three hours of craziness, which I won't even get into here, aside from saying CREEPY!

Ugh... I can't think anymore. I have to go to sleep so that I can go to church in the morning, then do homework all day tomorrow. Thinking=bad. Complications=bad. Sleep=good. Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

No Black Cats for Me!

Friday the 13th. Why is it that people dread this day? I actually had a pretty good day, with nothing very unlucky happening. Classes were good, if a bit boring. Then I had dinner with Stef and Chris and watched Dirty Dancing (great movie!) with some of the girls. I even got to talk to my sister and Dusty.

The only bad part of the day was that the ploy didn't work. My four friends and I wore shirts all day long that read "Need a Valentine?" in hopes of getting guys, but it didn't work. Honestly, I walked around all day with an ad on my shirt and didn't get any takers. I'm so pathetic.

I did, however, get a package of cookies from my church at home. I have to say, those women are wonderful. If I can't get a valentine, I might as well get chocolate. Besides, who needs a valentine when you've got good friends? Having someone just means extra pressure, having to buy a gift, and all that crap. I'm chillin on that idea.

Tomorrow is the day of Ben and Jerry's and complete relaxation. Good times. And sleep. Weeeeeee!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Soundtrack to Life

I think that we narrate our lives with music. We compile combinations of song lyrics that explain our emotions and experiences... telling the stories of our lives in other people's words. I know that I do it all the time. Depending on my mood, my attitude, and my recent experiences, I mold out compilation CDs that spell out my thoughts. Think about it.

So, to explain my life: Alanis Morrisette, Billy Joel, RENT, Savage Garden, Simple Plan, Nirvana, No Doubt, Mariah Carey(only the old stuff), Our Lady Peace, John Mayer, Lucy Woodward, Jars of Clay, Rebecca St. James, M2M, Outkast, Collective Soul, Barenaked Ladies, Holst, Joplin, Miles Davis, Copland, Louis Armstrong, Chopin, and Queen. Analyze, interpret, do whatever you want, but that's me.

Down With Love

I've been trying to imagine lately what kind of literary character I would be. I have come to the conclusion that I would be an awkward, perpetually dieting single. Although I present a confident and independent image, I secretly desire to be swept of my feet, just a little. Unfortunately, I am the tomboy, not the flirty, feminine girl, so I never win. Not to mention that I'm too intimidating. And why do I really want a guy anyway? I don't need one. I probably don't even have time for one. Yet I can't seem to get over it.

The problem with this whole searching-for-That-Guy thing is very much like a dog chasing a pickup truck. I am trying to catch this thing that is faster, larger, and better equipped than I am. And even if the dog could catch the truck, what would he do with it then?

I never seem to be able to get guys, one of these problems inevitably occurs:
1) He likes me and I don't like him, or vice-versa. It's like in Annie Hall: "I would never want to be a member of a club that would like to have me as a member."
2) He is taken. There is a terrible shortage of good guys, and most of them are already claimed by some lucky girl.
3) He is not a Christian. I'm going to be a minister, and there's really no way to reconcile a non-believing spouse and a career as a minister, not to mention it screws up your support system.
3)a) Along with this, fundamentalist and conservative Christian guys don't work, either, because they don't think that women should be ministers, which also does not work for me.
4) The chemistry is simply not there. As in, we would match perfectly and we like each other as friends and it would be completely logical for us to get together, but there is simply no spark.

Regardless of the specific conditions, these always get in the way. I shouldn't care. I really shouldn't. I'm too strong, too busy, and too happy to even be thinking about this. I have great friends, an awesome family, fun classes, a great job, and a dream to chase. No more blathering about boys. This time I mean it. (At least until tomorrow...)

Monday, February 09, 2004

Head Full of Snot

First, I must say, I've never been so frightened by an electric toothbrush. It was scary, let me tell you. Run away. Oh, and throw more broccoli. Or dance with it. And Kristen, don't be so's NOT that scary.

Right. Well, now that THAT is out of the way... it's back to classes tomorrow, something I don't want to face. It's not that I really dislike classes, so much that it puts me that much closer to all the crazy deadlines I have coming up. That, and I'm still fighting off the McDavid SARS, which makes me just want to crawl into my bed and read there until... well, I guess until I feel better.

I talked to my parents some today. My dad told me about my aunt's funeral, and apparently it was a great celebration of her life, so, while it was still sad, there were also elements of joy in it, which she would have liked. And I complained to my parents about how much guys suck and how much I'm dreading Valentine's Day. I wish I could go home for the weekend, just because my sister will be at home, too, and I'd love to be with the family. I know that they'll go out to eat and have fun, and I wish that I could be there with them instead of stuck here moping about singleness and how much boys suck.

On the plus side, I got a lot of homework done today. I read a TON at the desk and I felt very efficient. We also had a meeting about the Peru trip tonight, which I am extremely excited about. The trip is going to be awesome! Even though I can't speak Spanish and it will be a lot of travel, I think it's going to be amazing.

Can't think. Brain full of snot. Will write more later if snot subsides.

Song for the day: "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Helpless, Hopeless Me

I feel incredibly helpless. I can't fix people's problems, or even help them to feel better. I just sit and observe, and wish that I could help. What am I doing here? Why is it that I just feel as though I could step out of my life and everything would just keep going? I could just hop off the planet, and everyone would continue on whatever course they were on, as though nothing had changed. I lead a small life. I don't mind this fact, but I wonder sometimes if I make any impact at all.

Last night a friend of mine had a terrible experience. I didn't know what to say to her. I just wanted to hold her and never let go, for fear that something like that might happen again. It makes me want to cry whenever I think about it. I watched two of my other friends leap into action to help her. They knew all the right things to do, the right ways to make her feel better, and I sat and watched and wished that I knew how to fix it. Those two friends are superheroes, always watching out for everyone and solving problems. I never know how to handle crises like that. I wish I knew what to do...instead I just stand there dying inside, silent.

I want to help one person each day. Just one. But if I'm going to be able to help anyone tomorrow, I have to be awake, which that I have to go to sleep.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Romantic Disdain

I've been catching up on reading of all kinds, from classes to Open Diaries, and really, it's enlightening.

To Zach: 1) Most girls aren't vain, they're insecure. We just think that guys are after looks, and want to work on those in order to catch the attention of guys. I'll admit, some girls are vain, but the rest can't even stand to look at their reflections. 2) I get what you're saying about V-Day. See the fourth paragraph of the blog...

And I'm buried in work. There's so much Wesley stuff that I should be doing, plus FARC stuff, plus homework... but I don't really want to do any of it. I'd rather just sit here writing stuff or chilling with the girls, which never seems to really happen anymore since we're all busy working or doing homework or sleeping or (for them) working on prospective guys. I feel as though it ought to be Friday by now, but it's only Tuesday. And I'm not going to have a weekend anyway, between Wesley stuff and work.

Not to mention that there's only 11 days left until I have to disappear for the day. I HATE V-Day. HATE IT! Passionately. It's never been a good day for me, even on the rare occasions that I've had a significant other for that day. And, YET AGAIN, I'm going to be single for it. At least last year I had a date. It wasn't a relationship and the other person involved was a complete psycho, but it was something. This year it's looking like I'm going to spend that most dreaded of all holidays with my VCR, and Ben & Jerry. I've only had a boyfriend for V-Day once. I got a dozen roses, then I got yelled at. The only good thing about V-Day is that my dad used to get me balloons. But now I'm at college, so I don't even get balloons from my daddy. I think I'm going to stay up all night on the 13th, then sleep through V-Day completely. Can I do that? Who knows. But I'm sorely tempted to try to get through the day without getting dressed or leaving my bed except to go to the bathroom. Can't we just cancel this day of hell? Ergh.

I don't think they have V-Day in Indonesia. And it's warm there. Perhaps I'll just move to Asia. Goodbye all, I'm off to Jakarta...

Spaghetti Thoughts

It's only Monday, but it feels like it ought to be at least Wednesday. I've got so much crap going on this week that I'm not sure when I'm going to get any work done, plus I'm fighting McDavid SARS. Yikes. Now a few thoughts that I need to get out there.

Stef is playing matchmaker again. This could be good, or the results could be disasterous. We shall, I suppose, see. I have great hope for some people's relationships... *cough, SARAH, cough, cough*. And I get the distinct feeling that I may be the only one without prospects on V-Day. That's as it should be, after all, I AM the spinster aunt of the FARC. (Like the crazy cat lady, but without the cats...perhaps the GMF would fit as a substitute?)

One of my relatives died over the weekend. It wasn't entirely unexpected because she was pretty old, but it still made me sad. I loved her a great deal, but hadn't had the chance to see her in about 18 months. I really wish I could have seen her once more, just to remind her about how much I love her. I hope she knew. I think she did.

It's beginning to sound like four weddings and a funeral, isn't it? Anyway, Wesley stuff has me going crazy, and all the while I get the feeling that I should be doing more and that what I am doing isn't effectual anyway. Ergh. However, this too shall pass (that means I'll hang in there and everything will be alright...I feel like singing some sixties stuff...WOW I need sleep...)

My sociology class is making me really depressed, talking about inequality in life, and how there's little prospect of a change. I can't believe that these superclass people manage to pull off the abuses and oppression that we study. It makes me sad to know that there are people who are working their butts off at minimum wage jobs trying to make ends meet and raise families, but still unable to survive. What about the children who can't afford to even finish high school, or kids who go to schools that don't have enough money for books or computers? Why do I have privilege while they suffer? What reason could there be for me being able to afford to go to college while they can't afford to eat? How can we let this happen? Every human being should have the right to be able to attain what is necessary to survive: sanitary, warm, dry living conditions; adequate, nutritious food; clothing and shoes that fit properly; enough education to be able to read, write, and do math enough to complete basic business transactions; and the chance to know that they are valuable. I wish that could be the case. Why isn't it?

Sorry, I needed to get that brief rant off my chest and send those questions and thoughts off into the great void. So, goodnight dear void.

*DISCLAIMER* No, I'm not advocating any particular social reform or any crap like that. Neither am I horribly, irrevocably depressed. Sorry to be such a downer this evening. I promise I'll write more pleasant things again soon.

Sunday, February 01, 2004


Why is it that people can't see their own worth? How do people who care so much about each other hurt and abandon one another? Why do things always end up falling apart? Perhaps the bonds were too tenuous to start out with, but I always thought they were strong.

Why are you leaving us? Do you think you'll be happier somewhere else, separated from those of us who have been trying our hardest to get close to you and love you? I, for one, don't know how to respond to this. I know that I'm not the only one who has been hurt by this situation, but we can't give up. Don't leave.

"Friendship is thicker than blood.
That depends.
Depends on trust.
Depends on true devotion.
Depends on love.
Depends on not denying emotion." -RENT, "Happy New Year"

*sigh* Everything seems to be falling apart for everyone. And still, tomorrow comes.