The Rest of the (Call) Story

For the sometimes-enlightening, often-exasperating, and always-complicated commissioning process, I had to write my "call story". Through the course of seminary and the ministry process, you end up writing and telling this story again and again in various forms to a large number of people. Over time, it becomes streamlined into a brief tale that hits briefly on the highlights on the way to saying, "So, can and will you help me keep writing the story?". However, in that streamlining, important bits of the story are lost. There are small anecdotes, rabbit trails off the main path, that I have to bypass in getting to the main points. Yet, these rabbit trails helped me to get to the main points. Without them, I might never have had call story to tell. Not to mention that, while there was a required bibliography for that section of my papers, it was aimed at books; my call was as much shaped by films as books, but that part is harder to describe. So, since I had to leave these influences out of my papers, but I still want to get them out there, I'll include them here.

The first time I really showed any evidence of a call was in early elementary. My parents heard noises from my room one night after they'd put me to bed and turned out the light, and came into the room only to find me singing to my stuffed animals. I had my illustrated children's book of Bible stories, from which I had done a reading. I had explained the passage to my plush congregation, and I was going on to the closing hymn when my parents came in to check on me. They told me that I could continue the service in the morning, but I had to go to sleep. I don't think I got around to giving the benediction the next day, and the incident was forgotten for many years.

When I was in junior high, my two favorite movies were "Auntie Mame" and "The Trouble with Angels". Interestingly, both of these movies starred Rosalyn Russell, and both gave me an image of who I wanted to become. I loved the way Auntie Mame found the joy in situations and lived a life full of adventure, travel, and exciting people. I loved that her escapades were considered unacceptable by some, yet she was incredibly loving and compassionate, if in her strange, disorganized way. I wanted to be just like her. I particularly liked "The Trouble with Angels" because of the mischief that Mary and Rachel got into. I wanted to emulate their cool, trouble-making ways. I was always a bit saddened by the end, though. I couldn't understand how Mary could make the choice she made. I didn't see how she could be both troublemaker and devout religious servant. Only later, as I began to discern my own call, did I begin to understand how I could be both Mame and Mary at the same time.

High school brought participation in ASP, which was one of the most formative experiences in my faith development. In the mountains of Kentucky and Tennessee, I wrote about faith, sweat, and sawdust. I saw God in the faces of Appalachian teenagers and heard God's voice in the buzz of circular saws. I watched hopes come to fruition and I began to recognize that God was working in my heart and through my blistered hands. Most of all, I saw God in JB, a man whose house I worked on my first summer as a volunteer. JB was a carpenter by trade, and he could have done all the work we were doing both better and faster. But he had developed a rare lung disease and could no longer work. As we worked on his home, he explained things and guided our work with a patience and a humility that amazed me. He sat on the porch with his oxygen tank, encouraging me as I used a power drill for the first time. Through ASP, I learned that God uses all parts of us: our brokenness and our strength, our skills and our inexperience, for a glory that we often do not recognize or understand.

As strange as it might sound, performing in a competitive showchoir also prepared me for ministry in ways I never would have anticipated. I was never a particularly good singer or dancer, but performing helped me to gain a confidence in front of people that I would otherwise have lacked. I learned how to use my facial expressions and body language as communication tools. I learned to disguise my nervousness and have poise, even when wearing sequins and fake eyelashes.

In early college, I was fascinated by semi-religious movies. I watched Saved!, Keeping the Faith, and Dogma over and over again, pulling out themes of religious life. I was fascinated at the way the characters in Saved! managed to hold their faith and their questions in tension and I was challenged by the responsibilities of call and commitment to church in Keeping the Faith.

By odd coincidence (or divine providence, I don't know which) I picked up a copy of a book called Grace at a publisher's booth at the Earth Day festival my sophomore year of college. As a sometimes-pianist, the keyboard on the cover caught my eye, and I bought a copy. I then promptly put it on my shelf and forgot about it for a few months. By the time I picked it up again, I had begun to discern my call to ministry, but didn't really know what to do about it. As I read, I saw connections with my own life, and gained the courage to pursue my vocation.

When I went home for Thanksgiving, just after I recognized my call for the first time, I was terrified to tell my parents. My father is Catholic, and I had never thought to ask him what he thought of women in ministry. So, when I got home, I told my parents to sit down, and I told them a very abbreviated version of my call story. When I finished, my father replied with, "Of course. We knew." I was stunned. I hadn't told them anything. When I asked about it, he continued, "Well, it was revealed to me in meditation a few weeks ago. I told your mother (at this point, Mom nodded) but we didn't want to tell you and mess up your discernment." I didn't know how to respond. I've never been one to put a lot of stock in mystical experiences, but that gave me an affirmation that was very valuable to me.

Then a stranger gave me a great gift: a district superintendent from a conference other than my own, after some consultation with me, assigned me a candidacy mentor. In our process, candidacy mentors can be either helpful or exasperating, but mine was an incredible blessing for me. I looked up to that mentor, who seemed at times to be the person I wanted to grow into in a few years. I saw a woman who was close to my age working in ministry, which I had never seen before. She showed me that I could be in ministry and still be myself. She inspired me to make progress in an arduous process of bureaucracy, which has allowed me to get as far as I am by this point. If we could put people in our bibliographies, she'd be on mine.

I'm sad that I had to leave these bits out of my explanation of my call for commissioning. The page limits on my commissioning papers forced me to leave out several bits of myself, my story, and my beliefs that I think would give the church a more accurate picture of who I am. And in all the paperwork, I often lost track of the call and the passion that led me to writing them in the first place. These help me to remember that God was forming me long before I began the process, and God will continue to shape me through and after it. For now, I think it's enough that I know where I've been and I believe in the road I'm on (at least most days).

Week 1: Happies and Crappies

At every ASP summer staff meeting, each staffer names one good and one bad thing from his or her day. These are referred to as "Happies and Crappies" or "Yoes and Woes" or "Chocolate and Broccoli" or some other pairing of positive and negative items. In that spirit (and because I'm a bit short on time) I am going to give you the weekly update in this ASP-meeting format.

Happies:
Dr. Frank's speech at Opening Convocation
Dinner at Golden Buddha with the girls
Going to see the Braves play the Cubs at Turner Field
Dinner with Aunt Marsha
Activities Carnival
My professors' excellent senses of humor
Clean dishes
Lunch with Rev. Sarah and Frank
Phone calls and AIM conversations with distant friends
Mixed Signals Boy
Chilling in the apartment with Beth
Incredible weather
New friends every day

Crappies:
Overwhelming reading assignments
Having a cold
Lost certification paperwork
Killing trees by printing off reading assignments
Realizing that taking all the classes I want is impossible, even if I max out my hours every semester
Buying gas before prices dropped $0.20
Not enough hugs
Feeling both incredibly old and disappointingly young at the same time

Further information and commentary (or whatever I think to say) when I find time to write again. Until then, "Yay heresy!"

The Hike Continues...

I'm back from three months in CARRRRter Co., Tennessee with ASP, it was awesome, and there's no way I can capture it to explain it here, so I'm not going to try. If you want to know, find me sometime when we've both got 4 hours and some sort of sugary food.

As they say in RENT, "I'll pack up all my junk and go so far away, devote myself to projects that sell." Well, not sell, exactly, but you know what I mean. I packed all my essential belongings into boxes and drove them to my new apartment far away, deposited them, and came home for a last respite before I return again to the world of work, deep thoughts, intensive reading that is academia. I've decided that I'm resigned to change. I even feel like I've got closure on the whole college thing. Now the time has come for something new. I'm ready, I think.

The one thing I can say about my summer is that it got me straightened out. It reminded me of what's important. It empowered me to believe that I can and will do better, work harder, and keep growing. It allowed me to leave behind all that was comfortable and all the things that were holding me back and to see the wide open vistas of the future before me. And now it's time to move on.

It's a better place
Standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face
Full of the light that only this height can show
A blistered hand is what you've given
But you've been given all you'll ever need to know

So walk down this mountain
With your heart held high
Follow in the footsteps of your make
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side
If you offer up your broken cup
You will taste the meaning of this life

It's a common ground
And I see we're all still standing
Just look around and you'll find
The very face of God
He's walking down into the distance
He's walking down to where the masses are

We're standing in a place of peace
But this is how the world should be
How the world should be

Broken Cup

So, I know that I resolved to move on and stop moping, but I can't help it. I've changed, and I'm struggling to fit my new shape into it's old place here at school. Nothing seems right, nothing seems as alive or vibrant or important or joyful as it was over the summer. I know that the beginning of ASP was tough, so I have hope for this, but it's a much slower process than I anticipated. I mean, I've been back for two and a half weeks, but I still don't feel comfortable here yet. I'll be fine for hours on end, and everything will feel OK, but I always come back to this feeling of discontentment, sadness, and loneliness at the end of the day. I mean, I know that God is beside me, but sometimes it's hard to hold onto that, when I really want to just hold onto someone and cry for hours. Does that make any sense? Probably not. But, there it is. Someone on the ASP listserve sent out this poem today, and it summed up everything very well:

"I go back to the city
To a world that doesn't know the peacefulness of clouds hugging the ridges on a cold summer morning, To a world that can't hear the cascading waterfalls and eagles' cries, To a world that can never hope to imitate the beauty of moist green forests and snowy peaks in vast array.
I go back to the city,
Knowing that I must go, And that it's my place to be there, yet wondering. How can a bring a piece of this world back to this land?"
-Judy Urschel

I want to move on. I really do. So, I keep on smiling and moving and studying, and doing, and don't let on that I'm unhappy. I keep on grinning and laughing, and they'll never know, right? If I never stop and think, it won't hurt anymore. If they never find out, I won't have to explain it, and they won't see me weak and hurting. I don't let on, and they don't ask, so everything comes out OK.

Restless

I have this bizarre feeling of disconnection and unreality. Nothing feels quite real. It is as though I am standing outside my life and gazing in at everything...like watching a sequel to a movie that I used to star in. The plot is familiar, or at least predictable, but I don't seem to really feel like a part of the story.

I feel restless, as though I should be doing something more, or something different, but don't know where to start. Yet, at the same time, I feel lazy. I find myself fighting to keep from dazing out and just standing in the middle of a parking lot for hours, just dazed into my own little world, thinking. My mind is somewhere else. I feel like I'm only 50% present, like the rest of my brain is on vacation. Nothing I'm doing seems to demand my entire attention, not like at ASP.

Beyond that, I'm out of place everywhere I go. I mean, I'm a junior in a dorm full of freshmen, which is strange to start out with. Plus, it's a fine arts dorm, and I'm not a fine arts person, so I don't really fit in with the theater, art, band, and music ed. students here. Even Wesley is a little weird, since I'm president and all, and the only female peer minister. I feel like a star-shaped peg, and Lord knows there are no star-shaped holes!

I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it'll be OK, that I'm not a freak, and that I won't be alone and awkward forever. Until then, I'll just go cuddle with Howard and sleep. Everything will be better in the morning. I hope.

(P.S. This is way too much emotional drivel packed together. I promise, my next entry will be at least slightly amusing!)

Walk Down This Mountain

The summer is ended, and I'm back at school. I just finished the most amazing summer of my life. I can't even describe it. I worked harder than I ever have in my life. I grew and was stretched more than I could even have imagined. And now I'm looking back on it, missing it almost more than I can bear.

ASP Staff... how can I describe it? I was a counselor/social worker/contractor/spiritual leader/hardware distributor/professional driver/financier. Each day I woke up at 6:45, led high schoolers in devotions, maybe went to the hardware store, visited construction sites answering questions and giving advice and encouragement, drove at least 2 hours, made business phone calls, filled out paperwork, led a worship service, and discussed construction with my fellow staffers, before going to bed between midnight and two a.m. The four of us made sure that 70 people were fed and taken care of, oversaw construction on up to 10 sites at a time, provided construction supplies for up to 12 work crews, led 4 worship services per work, and managed a $40,000 budget. Each day I was surrounded by 70 people who were there solely to serve God and His people. I met 13 of the most amazing families EVER, and got to serve them by repairing their homes and giving them new hope. I can't describe the pain of having to turn down 60 families seeking aid, the joy and hope in the faces of the families we served, the energy and growth of the new volunteers each week, the exhaustion by the end of each week, the excitement of new volunteers and improvements, and the amazement of seeing God work in the people around me and myself. I can't explain it, I can't show it to you, I can merely express that I was overwhelmed.

And now it's over.

36 hours after ASP ended, I was back at school reporting for work. It was incredibly strange to know that my awesome summer was over and that I'm back exactly where I was before I left. The location is the same, things here are almost as though we never left, but I am different. I tried to go shopping yesterday because I needed new shoes and school supplies, but I can't bear to spend money. I mean, the money I spent on my textbooks alone was enough to feed one of those families for a month. How can I buy new shoes when they can't afford to pay their bills for the month? It hurts to be in such a different place. It hurts that no one here understands, and that I can't even begin to explain my feelings to anyone.

I want to make friends with the new people in the dorm, to get back into the swing of things, but I don't seem to have the motivation. I'm sad, lonely, and emotionally disconnected from my present surroundings. I don't seem to have the motivation to have social interaction or to do anything, really, besides do the necessary things to get ready for classes to start. It's as though I don't really know what to do with myself. I was invited to a party tonight, but I just didn't feel up to it. Instead, I'm sitting here alone, being lonely and sad, wishing I were back in Virginia. I know I should talk to someone about this, or move on. I know that feeling guilty and pulling away from people doesn't solve anything, but I can't seem to do anything else. I just don't feel up to it. I feel like hiding, crying, running away. I'm coming down, back to the life I left behind. It's a good life, but I suddenly feel like something is missing. I guess I'm just coming down from the spiritual high of ASP and struggling with a little withdrawal. *sigh* It hurts.

"It's a better place standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face full of the light that only His light can show
A blistered hand is what you've given
You've been given all you'll ever need to know.

So walk down this mountain with your heart held high
And follow in the footsteps of your maker
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side.
If you offer up your broken cup,
You will taste the meaning of this life.
Hey Hey

It's a common ground and I see you're all still standing
Just look around and you find the very face of God
He's walking down into the distance
He's walking down to where the messes are.

so walk down this mountain with your heart held high
Follow in the footsteps of your maker
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side
If you offer up your broken cup
You will taste the meaning of this life.

Standing in a place of peace,
This is how the world should be, how the world should be.

So walk down this mountain with your heart held high
Follow in the footsteps of your maker
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side
Offer up your broken cup,
And you will taste the meaning of this life.
Hey hey." -Bebo Norman

I praise God every day for the opportunity I had in ASP. And I keep walking.

Yikes!

Warning: this is my last post for a while. I'm about to embark on a journey to Kiwi-a-gogo land for three months. I most likely will not update this until I am back in Missouri. Tomorrow I drive to my grandparents house, then Wednesday is the first day of ASP training. Here goes...

As I have mentioned, I'm terrified. People keep telling me that it'll be OK. People say that I'll be fine, I'll be able to do the work, I'll even be good at it. I'm still nervous, though. It's walking into the complete unknown, and that, as you can guess, is a little scary. I have to walk away from home in Ohio again until Thanksgiving. That means no more of the Ohio buddies for SIX MONTHS. I'll have very little contact with anyone from home or school for three months. I'm excited to serve, to meet great people, to work hard, to learn and grow, but I'm also scared to death that I'll fail. I'm going to work at the hardest job I've ever faced, far away from everything and almost everyone I know.

I feel like I won't be prepared, no matter what I do. There are some reassurances: Scripture, tons of prayer support, promises of contact and letters, and having Rachel and Bonnie going to training too. So, I throw more stuff into my duffel bag, say yet another prayer for strength and faith, and try yet again not to panic or throw up. So, if you're reading this, say a little prayer for me and the work I'll be doing this summer. I wish you all the best summer, love to all of you, and I hope to talk to you soon, or at the very least as soon as I get back. Happy and merry!

T minus 6 Days

Just when you thought I'd settled for a little bit, I'm back to countdowns. This time, it's the countdown to ASP, a crazy, exciting, terrifying summer experience. I only have six more days in Ohio before it begins.

To catch you up on what has been happening here, I will give a brief summary. I've caught up with most of my friends, either seen them or arranged to see them. I visited two lovely doctors, talked with my parents some, and went to church. Nothing too exciting, but it has been awesome to see my friends here again.

Tomorrow I have to give a speech, and it really scares me. I don't like public speaking anyway, and it is in front of my entire church for 45 minutes. I know that they are all friendly faces, but they gave me a lot of money for the trip and I don't want to let them down. I prepared a Powerpoint presentation and an album... I don't know what more I can do, really. I just hope and pray that it goes well.

Also, in one week I will go to ASP training. I'm scared and excited all at the same time. I feel like I'm getting ready to go skydiving. I'm terrified right now, looking up there and thinking about how I could fall and hurt myself, but I also know that it will be exhilerating. Above all, I know that once I get up in the air and am falling, I'll pull the rip chord, handle the situation, and love the ride. Until then, though, I've got to keep thinking about the fall and how scary it is. At this point, that overshadows the enjoyment.

So, a wonderful week is ahead. I get to see my friends and family, wrap up all the loose ends, and pray like mad, because ASP IS COMING!

Stress and Sadness

I have been exiled from my computer by a sleeping roommate, but there are several thoughts that I need to get out, so I'm actually USING the dorm computer lab. Scary.

This hasn't been the best of days, I woke up a little grumpy and then faced a whole lot of people with bad news. Nothing is really going on in my life, but the lives of everyone around me seem to be falling apart. I hate that. I would rather have my life collapsing in shambles around my ears than to be forced to watch the people I care about suffer. I have seen/heard 3 people I care deeply about crying today, and it made me very sad. I had an hour-long conversation with someone that I love, and that person was extremely, EXTREMELY depressed and upset about life in general and I very nearly ended up in tears myself. Why are people so sad?

I can't wait for this semester to be over. I just want classes to be done. I will miss my Mizzou friends terribly over the summer, but I really need a break from academia and the stress of stuff here. I don't feel like I've had a break since Christmas, since I went to Peru for Spring Break. I am excited for my eleven days of summer (that's how long I have between finals and ASP) and excited to see all of the people in Ada that I haven't seen since January. I'm incredibly psyched for ASP, though. It's going to be an amazing summer. I got the staff manual in the mail today, and it's definitely a "Fatty McFat, Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four"... which means a lot of work for me, but since it's for ASP it's worth it.

I want to not be stressed anymore. I want to be able to fix my friends' problems so that they are no longer upset. I wish I could make all of that happen, but I have no control. And for the moment I feel completely helpless, like I can't solve anything or improve life in any way, that I just have to watch the car wreck with no way of preventing it or helping those involved. All the lives around me seem to be spinning out of control, and I'm stuck in the center, calmly watching them spin farther and farther away from me, on collision courses. I wish I could lasso them and pull them back toward me, away from danger, but I can't. And I wouldn't really be any good at it anyway. I guess I have to do the only thing I can: pray and put all of them in God's hands. He's the only one with long enough rope for an adequate lasso anyway. So, I'm going to handle it in my way: go say a prayer and get some sleep so that if the opportunity to make a difference arises, I won't be too tired to help out.

Hooray for ASP!

Today has been a wonderful, terrific, amazing day. Well, getting up early and going to five classes wasn't great. And taking a test that was really hard wasn't terrific. But I got wonderful news and everything since 3 p.m. has be AWESOME, so I really have nothing to complain about.

First let me just say, I GOT THE JOB!!!!! I am SO excited. I mean, I'm also scared to death that I'll screw it up or not be good enough or strong enough, but I'm going to work my hardest and give 900% to make sure that doesn't happen. And I'm SO ECSTATIC about this. Incredibly happy. Whenever I think about it, I want to jump up and down and scream. (And have, several times today) So Rachel and I will both be ASP staffers this summer, serving God and helping people... does it get any better than that?

Next, my sister now has confirmation that she has been accepted to TWO, that's right TWO DMA programs. (That's doctor of musical arts, for all of you non-music people) She now gets to choose between at least 2 schools that she really likes. This also takes a bunch of the pressure off of her last few auditions, since she knows that she already has options.

Last night I got to go see the Count Basie Orchestra, and they rocked my socks off. Seriously. The trumpet players were AMAZING and so was the pianist (and for that matter, the whole BAND...) I was blown away. It gave me enough courage that maybe tomorrow I'll get up the guts to play my trumpet.

Today was gorgeous and it's going to be even prettier tomorrow. It's been warm and sunny, and we've played frisbee almost every day, simply to be together and outside enjoying ourselves. The only problem with this is that I have to work from noon to seven p.m. tomorrow. That's a freaking long desk shift. I took it so that I can go to Sunday Supper, but it's a really long shift. So, who knows, I may be writing a bunch tomorrow simply out of boredom. At least I have things to do. I need to study for my Geology test and read Thomas Aquinas for humanities, plus I need to figure out my schedule for next semester. And I can always take a coloring book and my crochet stuff and a free reading book, just in case.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I hurt people because I say things without thinking. I said something to someone yesterday that I didn't think they would listen to, but they did. It was accurate, but I'm afraid I may have hurt them, and that was not my goal. I need to learn that I can't say everything I think at the moment that I think it. That's never a good idea. So, if I've ever hurt you by doing that, I'm sorry. I'm working on it.

Anyway, off to chill, or maybe sleep. I'll probably write more tomorrow when I'm bored and trapped at the desk.