Broken Cup

So, I know that I resolved to move on and stop moping, but I can't help it. I've changed, and I'm struggling to fit my new shape into it's old place here at school. Nothing seems right, nothing seems as alive or vibrant or important or joyful as it was over the summer. I know that the beginning of ASP was tough, so I have hope for this, but it's a much slower process than I anticipated. I mean, I've been back for two and a half weeks, but I still don't feel comfortable here yet. I'll be fine for hours on end, and everything will feel OK, but I always come back to this feeling of discontentment, sadness, and loneliness at the end of the day. I mean, I know that God is beside me, but sometimes it's hard to hold onto that, when I really want to just hold onto someone and cry for hours. Does that make any sense? Probably not. But, there it is. Someone on the ASP listserve sent out this poem today, and it summed up everything very well:

"I go back to the city
To a world that doesn't know the peacefulness of clouds hugging the ridges on a cold summer morning, To a world that can't hear the cascading waterfalls and eagles' cries, To a world that can never hope to imitate the beauty of moist green forests and snowy peaks in vast array.
I go back to the city,
Knowing that I must go, And that it's my place to be there, yet wondering. How can a bring a piece of this world back to this land?"
-Judy Urschel

I want to move on. I really do. So, I keep on smiling and moving and studying, and doing, and don't let on that I'm unhappy. I keep on grinning and laughing, and they'll never know, right? If I never stop and think, it won't hurt anymore. If they never find out, I won't have to explain it, and they won't see me weak and hurting. I don't let on, and they don't ask, so everything comes out OK.