Thursday, August 19, 2004


I have this bizarre feeling of disconnection and unreality. Nothing feels quite real. It is as though I am standing outside my life and gazing in at watching a sequel to a movie that I used to star in. The plot is familiar, or at least predictable, but I don't seem to really feel like a part of the story.

I feel restless, as though I should be doing something more, or something different, but don't know where to start. Yet, at the same time, I feel lazy. I find myself fighting to keep from dazing out and just standing in the middle of a parking lot for hours, just dazed into my own little world, thinking. My mind is somewhere else. I feel like I'm only 50% present, like the rest of my brain is on vacation. Nothing I'm doing seems to demand my entire attention, not like at ASP.

Beyond that, I'm out of place everywhere I go. I mean, I'm a junior in a dorm full of freshmen, which is strange to start out with. Plus, it's a fine arts dorm, and I'm not a fine arts person, so I don't really fit in with the theater, art, band, and music ed. students here. Even Wesley is a little weird, since I'm president and all, and the only female peer minister. I feel like a star-shaped peg, and Lord knows there are no star-shaped holes!

I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it'll be OK, that I'm not a freak, and that I won't be alone and awkward forever. Until then, I'll just go cuddle with Howard and sleep. Everything will be better in the morning. I hope.

(P.S. This is way too much emotional drivel packed together. I promise, my next entry will be at least slightly amusing!)

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