Shreveport and Ohio

Bunches of my Mizzou friends are on their way to, or already in, Shreveport for the Independence Bowl. In many ways, I wish I were there just chilling with them. On the other hand, though, I'm glad for the chance to catch upt with my buddies here. While I'm missing out on the bus ride and hotel adventures of the band, I get to play Battle of the Sexes in Ohio.

As of last night, it has been decided that I am a guy. In Battle of the Sexes, I knew the answers to as many guy questions as I did girl questions. I love sports and, to a lesser extent, cars, and I don't get into all the girly stuff. Being one of the guys is all well and good, but it doesn't exactly get you dates. Ah, well, someone has to be the spinster of the dorm. And much better to be one of the guys than talk to guys at all.

Parents and Worrying

Well, I'm still working on growing some...erm...guts, but I did something brave today, so life is good. In the meantime, I think I finally got my Christmas shopping done (only four days AFTER the holiday...) and I'm getting to catch up with those wonderful friends who can still remember the stupid mistakes I made when I was younger.

I went shopping with Amy today, which was fabulous, and we got to talking about the growing up thing. She's almost as scared as I am. I guess that everyone who faces an unknown future. Which, I suppose, is everyone. It's just something that's been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

Also, what should you say when your friend is doing something that makes you really worry, but you don't want to offend them by complaining about the action or condemning it, or expressing your fears. I mean, some of my friends have some dangerous habits, or unwise crushes, and I'm not sure how to respond when I hear about them. I just want to point out to them the bad consequences, often inevitable, that they're bringing on themselves. I just want to say, "LOOK! Don't you see that you're hurting yourself? Don't you see that no good can come from this?" But I can't. I'm their friend, and I don't want to hurt them or offend them, but I also don't want to see them get hurt. I guess my place is to just shut my mouth and support them regardless, but sometimes I wish I could do something about the situation. Oh, well.

On a happier note, Amy and I got to talking about all the 'parents' we have. We started listing off all the adults who were like parents to us, and the list got really, really long. I mean, in a small town like ours, we listed our parents, our friends' parents, teachers, people from church... it's almost as though we were community children, raised by all the adults in town. Any person in town over the age of 25 had the authority to discipline you, but also had the right to hug you on sight. I mean, when I went back to church today, I got hugged by at least 10 people who I would consider to be, in a way, parents to me. That, I would have to say, is one of the best things about a small town like ours. I mean... it creates such an amazing sense of belonging and such a warm and comforting atmosphere. There are many things I hate about small towns, but that is one thing I like.

Sometimes, I think my friends can read my mind. My friend Amy knows exactly what I'm talking about all the time, and my friend Dusty can always guess everything that I'm hiding. It's eery. On the other hand, it's also cool.

Anyway, I'm finished with my random ramblings for the evening, so I guess I will go on my way. Goodnight everyone. I must go watch Pretty Woman with my straight, male friend who owns it. (Don't even ask, you really don't want to know.)

Happy and Merry

Well, I have returned from Kiwi-a-gogo land (sorry, tribute to Georgia), that is, my grandparents house where the cell service is lousy and the dial-up is worse. I managed to survive an attack from my most troublesome relative and convince my 6-year-old cousin that I'm wonderful, so I would have to say that the trip was a success.

I feel as though I have been cut off from the world. I mean, many of my friends are 10 hours away, including my romantic interest of the present. Worse than that, I found out that the guy I have my eye on was talking to one of my friends until 5 a.m. yesterday. Not that I don't trust her, she wouldn't steal him out from under me intentionally, but she's prettier than I am and I'm nervous that he'll decide he likes her and not me and there I am single again. But if anyone is going to be the one to get his attention in the end instead of me, I'd want it to be her. She's awesome and deserves some happiness, and she'd never hurt me on purpose, God bless her. Honestly, I think my reputation as the old spinster of the dorm may stick with me forever. My life is sad.

Also, I have reached the realization that I'm terrified of getting older. I don't know what I'll do when I'm not in school anymore, I don't know if I could handle being self-sufficient, and I don't know if I could deal with moving to a completely new place and having to make completely new friends in unfamiliar surroundings once again. I'm really nervous about being on my own, having all those adult responsibilities. More than anything, I'm afraid I'll move to a new place where I'll be completely alone. I don't like feeling alone, like there's no one I can talk to or spend time with. I like my alone time, but not ALL of my time being alone.

I am, however, getting excited and nervous about being alone on the road on my big road trip. After all, 4 days of travel on the road by myself will be some blessed time to think and relax. It'll be a taste of life on my own, plus I get to spend time with my grandparents, aunt, and of course, the wonderful Rachel, who can read my mind. I'm scared to death about the job interview weekend, though. I mean, I REALLY want that job, and I'm really afraid of messing it up. Either way, though, it should be interesting and challenging.

One side note: my history professor was a jerk. Stupid lies about cumulative exams and hard grading. Stupid A-. Grr.

A few questions I'd like to send into the abyss: What am I going to do when I grow up? Am I going to be single and alone forever? And where did my STINKING jacket get put in this crazy renovation project that used to be my house?!

Goodnight all, and happy holidays

Finals, then Home!

Father, I have sinned. It has been... erm... a really long time since my last Blog. I have resolved, in future, to update this blog more often. It will be awesome.

Anyway, life is beginning to cheer up a little now that it's finals week. That sounds like an oxymoron, I mean, finals=fun? But the fact is that finals week IS fun because you can stay up until 4 a.m. just hanging out with friends (and hot guys... hehehehe) and getting ready for break. Flexible schedules and freaking out about finals are some of the little joys in life.

Meanwhile, I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to end up happy with my love life, action must be taken. As a friend told me last night, "We've decided to take your romance life into our own hands." And she did. And the guy I like came over and hung out with us until 4 a.m. My new goal is to grow some kahonas. (cahones? kahones? cahonas? screw it, I'll just say balls)

Anyway, with two finals down and only one left, I am all ready to pack and make the long trek home. The only complications to this scheme are picking music that both my passenger and I can agree on to listen to on the 10 hour drive home and making sure I can get my Christmas shopping done on time.

I'm looking forward to the first week of break, in that I get to relax and visit with family. After that, though, things get complicated because I have to go see the head of the District Board and make a crazy road trip to do an interview for the job I'd give my left arm to have this summer. Yikes. For now, though, I'm going to bask in my...guts and enjoy the last few days of finals week, my favorite week of the semester. Happy break everyone!

How old am I?

What is it about family that they have no confidence in you to take care of your nutritional needs? I am home for Thanksgiving break, and my parents and grandmother have all come to the conclusion that they need to tell me how to eat. This does not fall under the category of control issues, because they have no complaints about how late I stay out or how I behave. They simply nag me about what I am ingesting. Honestly, aren't my behavior and attitude more important than my digestion in terms of parental nagging? However, this subject seems to be a common factor amongst many people's relatives. For instance, my mother's mother nags her about what she eats and my parents nag my sister about what she eats. In addition, all of the evidence of my friend's families shows that their parents bug them about what they eat as well. Is this just an Ohio thing? Or do all parents nag their children about nutrition? Good grief.

New York, New York

I love New York City. I wouldn't necessarily want to live there, but I would be game for visiting there for two weeks every year. After all, they are the center of culture for the nation, not to mention that there's ALWAYS something going on there.

I went for a 30 minute walk in the city this weekend and walked past over 20 theaters showing musicals and plays. And that was just the theaters right along Broadway! Where else in the U.S. is there a theater district of that size and variety? I visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which has the largest collection of art in the Western Hemisphere. I also drove past the Frick and the Guggenheim. I would LOVE to be able to just visit all of those museums and see those shows.

The only strange thing about NYC, though, is that people seem surprised if you're friendly to them. I mean, I hold my head up and smile at people as a general rule, but the people there were practically blown away by that. Most of them smiled back, with an amused look in their eyes that said, "What is THIS?!?!"

As I said, I would love to visit there for 2 weeks every single year, but I don't think I would like to live there for a long period of time.

The biggest news of my weekend, though, was this: MY SISTER PLAYED IN CARNEGIE HALL! AND SHE WAS GREAT!!!!

Void?

Do you ever feel like there's something missing? As though nothing is wrong in your life, but there's simply something lacking? Confession: I went to see a romantic-comedy tonight, and it made me really lonely. Even though I'm young, I still fear that I'll be alone forever. That I'll wake up at age 35 and realize that it's never going to happen for me. That I'll find myself alone at age 70 wondering where my life went. I don't even want a movie romance, I want a real relationship. I want what my parents have, that secure, loving partnership. I see my aunts and uncles, the married couples at my church, and wish I could find something like that. I'm not aching for magical romance, I'm searching for someone to match me like those couples match each other.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I know this. All relationships have problems, conflicts, differences... but they're strong enough to survive anything that comes their way because both partners are determined to make it work and convinced that the effort is worth it.

Is the right guy out there? Is there someone out there who I will like who will actually like me back? Did God make someone to walk alongside me? I have no idea. But I hope. And I wait. And if you're out there... I'm searching and waiting for you.

Wow, that's sappy. I've got to stop before I go into emotional overhaul and start acting like a feminine girl. We all know THAT can't happen.