Running from Myself

Do you ever just want to run away from yourself? Just slip out of your body and disappear? I've had the feeling over the last few days that I just wanted to sprint away from who I am. I mean, there's nothing really wrong with who I am, I like who and where I am. But I felt the need to sprint, to push myself beyond my physical limits and let myself burst out.

To let this out, I went running. Not cross-country style slow jogging for miles, but full-out sprinting for a few hundred yards, then walking for a bit. I feel restless, like I'm going to burst, and I have no idea why. It's like James Thurber says, "All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running to, and from, and why." I wish I knew what was going on inside me. I just feel emotionally raw, and there seems to be no escape from people, but also a lack of care. I mean, there are people who care, but I don't seem to want to be consoled by them, so I don't tell them what's going on, or I pretend to be fine. I guess I don't want to burden them with my problems. Then there's the fact that there's really nowhere to go here and get away from people. I'm used to being in Ada, where I can always go wander away somewhere and be alone, but here the only place I can be alone is in my practice room, and that seems prison-like and barren.

I found out today that the scheduling conflict cannot be worked out, and therefore I will not be Head DA next semester. On top of that, because I was supposed to be HDA, there may not be a DA position for me in FARC, which would be really depressing. I would then be a junior, living in the dorms, with no good reason to still be here. Most people move on from the dorms after their freshman or sophomore years, unless they have work in the dorms to give them a reason to stay.

I'm horribly stressed, with tons of studying to do for finals, packing to go home, parting with my friends here, getting prepared for ASP and my Peru presentation at home, and finishing up Wesley stuff before I go away for the summer. I am worried about some family stuff, which is difficult to explain, and terrified of ASP staff as much as I am excited, but I'm not sure how to explain any of it. How can there be so many words in the English language and so few that fit what I want to say?

Ignore this, please. I'm sure I'll be over it in a few days. Just say a little prayer for me, because I'm struggling.

Songs for the day: "Somebody Lives There" and "One Tin Soldier" (I don't know who those are by), "Reflection" by Christina Aguilera, "Iris" and "Black Balloon" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace