Sunday, May 02, 2004

Dark Thoughts

I spent the vast majority of yesterday evening, at least 3 hours, just sitting around and talking with a friend of mine. At one point in the evening we got to talking about more serious matters, deep things. I ended up revealing some things, particularly dark things and worries that I don't usually let people see. After about half an hour of this dark and depressing conversation, I was ready to let the sad subject be dropped, and I said as much to my friend. He chuckled a little and said something along the lines of, "Yeah, I knew it wouldn't last long." When I questioned him, he explained, "I knew the cover would come back up eventually." Thinking on this, I'll admit that it's true. I do have a darker side, internal thoughts and ponderings that make me sad or hurt or angry that I hide inside all the time. I don't like for people to see me being sad or angry because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. There even things that are buried much deeper than those I showed my friend last night. Does it make me less genuine that I never show these things? Do I give people the wrong impression of me by not showing the darker side? I wonder. But either way, my defense mechanism is to hide them behind humor and cheerfulness, so that is what I do. Is that wrong?

Anyway, I'm in the midst of a crazy day, which I will update you on later, but for the moment these thoughts and questions need to be sent into the abyss. So there you have it, abyss.

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