Curled Up with my Book

We are having gross weather. It is raining for the third day in a row, plus it's cold. Later today it's going to get even colder and the water everywhere is going to freeze, then we're all going to be iced in. I am not looking forward to this. Particularly since I am starting a road trip on Tuesday. It is, however, the perfect weather to sit inside and read.

I like to read. I think it is sort of an escapism thing. I get sucked into the story and everything else disappears. If I'm reading something I like, I block out noise, hunger, cold...it's as though I fall into the story and get stuck there for a while. I love to do it, but I can't do it most of the time because of time constraints. Also, I start to feel a little guilty for escaping for so long, so frequently. So, since it's raining and there's really nothing else that I can do, I think I'll allow myself to sink into a book. I hope it's warmer and dryer wherever you are.

DJ Lauren

I love the radio. Not so much listening to it as being on it. I'm a D.J. and I love my job. It's a fabulous thing, being able to talk and know that people are listening, but not see them and get nervous. I get to play the music I like, talk without facing judging eyes, and chill where no one can see me. I like being an invisible voice. I don't feel insecure if no one can see me. Guess that shows where my fears lie, doesn't it.

Observation for the day: Escapism is a defense mechanism. And I love it.

Happy New Year, 2004!

It's 2004. Now all I have to do is repeat that a hundred times until I believe that it's true. It just doesn't seem real to me that it is a new year already. I had just gotten used to it being 2003. I never get used to writing a new date on things until at least February.

I would like to say that I've thought up great and impressive New Years resolutions. I'd like to say that they're really thought-provoking and challenging. I'd like to say that... but I didn't. I have only two resolutions, and neither of them is very good. One is the obvious and traditional "lose 10 pounds". The likelihood is that this will not be achieved, but it's worth trying and maybe if I post that, I'll actually have the determination to do it. The other is to be braver. I often find that I want to do something, like speak to a stranger or say what I'm thinking or take action on an idea, but I chicken out, or allow myself to push the thought to the back of my mind, then cover it up with other things and claim to be "too busy" to do it. My resolution is to have the courage to take action when I'm first thinking about it. I'm also not sure whether that will be a success, but it's worth a shot.

I spent the day yesterday with Rachel. Spending time with Rachel is always awesome because she is like me in so many ways. It's as though she can read my mind sometimes, and can always understand where I'm coming from. She understands when I say I'm afraid of logical love, that I haven't felt "that thing", that being alone scares me to death, that if I'm going to date a guy that he needs to be a Christian, and that "fine" doesn't always mean fine. Thank God for friends like that.

May the new year bring you peace, challenges, friendship, love and contentment. Happy New Year, everyone.

Shreveport and Ohio

Bunches of my Mizzou friends are on their way to, or already in, Shreveport for the Independence Bowl. In many ways, I wish I were there just chilling with them. On the other hand, though, I'm glad for the chance to catch upt with my buddies here. While I'm missing out on the bus ride and hotel adventures of the band, I get to play Battle of the Sexes in Ohio.

As of last night, it has been decided that I am a guy. In Battle of the Sexes, I knew the answers to as many guy questions as I did girl questions. I love sports and, to a lesser extent, cars, and I don't get into all the girly stuff. Being one of the guys is all well and good, but it doesn't exactly get you dates. Ah, well, someone has to be the spinster of the dorm. And much better to be one of the guys than talk to guys at all.

Parents and Worrying

Well, I'm still working on growing some...erm...guts, but I did something brave today, so life is good. In the meantime, I think I finally got my Christmas shopping done (only four days AFTER the holiday...) and I'm getting to catch up with those wonderful friends who can still remember the stupid mistakes I made when I was younger.

I went shopping with Amy today, which was fabulous, and we got to talking about the growing up thing. She's almost as scared as I am. I guess that everyone who faces an unknown future. Which, I suppose, is everyone. It's just something that's been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

Also, what should you say when your friend is doing something that makes you really worry, but you don't want to offend them by complaining about the action or condemning it, or expressing your fears. I mean, some of my friends have some dangerous habits, or unwise crushes, and I'm not sure how to respond when I hear about them. I just want to point out to them the bad consequences, often inevitable, that they're bringing on themselves. I just want to say, "LOOK! Don't you see that you're hurting yourself? Don't you see that no good can come from this?" But I can't. I'm their friend, and I don't want to hurt them or offend them, but I also don't want to see them get hurt. I guess my place is to just shut my mouth and support them regardless, but sometimes I wish I could do something about the situation. Oh, well.

On a happier note, Amy and I got to talking about all the 'parents' we have. We started listing off all the adults who were like parents to us, and the list got really, really long. I mean, in a small town like ours, we listed our parents, our friends' parents, teachers, people from church... it's almost as though we were community children, raised by all the adults in town. Any person in town over the age of 25 had the authority to discipline you, but also had the right to hug you on sight. I mean, when I went back to church today, I got hugged by at least 10 people who I would consider to be, in a way, parents to me. That, I would have to say, is one of the best things about a small town like ours. I mean... it creates such an amazing sense of belonging and such a warm and comforting atmosphere. There are many things I hate about small towns, but that is one thing I like.

Sometimes, I think my friends can read my mind. My friend Amy knows exactly what I'm talking about all the time, and my friend Dusty can always guess everything that I'm hiding. It's eery. On the other hand, it's also cool.

Anyway, I'm finished with my random ramblings for the evening, so I guess I will go on my way. Goodnight everyone. I must go watch Pretty Woman with my straight, male friend who owns it. (Don't even ask, you really don't want to know.)

Happy and Merry

Well, I have returned from Kiwi-a-gogo land (sorry, tribute to Georgia), that is, my grandparents house where the cell service is lousy and the dial-up is worse. I managed to survive an attack from my most troublesome relative and convince my 6-year-old cousin that I'm wonderful, so I would have to say that the trip was a success.

I feel as though I have been cut off from the world. I mean, many of my friends are 10 hours away, including my romantic interest of the present. Worse than that, I found out that the guy I have my eye on was talking to one of my friends until 5 a.m. yesterday. Not that I don't trust her, she wouldn't steal him out from under me intentionally, but she's prettier than I am and I'm nervous that he'll decide he likes her and not me and there I am single again. But if anyone is going to be the one to get his attention in the end instead of me, I'd want it to be her. She's awesome and deserves some happiness, and she'd never hurt me on purpose, God bless her. Honestly, I think my reputation as the old spinster of the dorm may stick with me forever. My life is sad.

Also, I have reached the realization that I'm terrified of getting older. I don't know what I'll do when I'm not in school anymore, I don't know if I could handle being self-sufficient, and I don't know if I could deal with moving to a completely new place and having to make completely new friends in unfamiliar surroundings once again. I'm really nervous about being on my own, having all those adult responsibilities. More than anything, I'm afraid I'll move to a new place where I'll be completely alone. I don't like feeling alone, like there's no one I can talk to or spend time with. I like my alone time, but not ALL of my time being alone.

I am, however, getting excited and nervous about being alone on the road on my big road trip. After all, 4 days of travel on the road by myself will be some blessed time to think and relax. It'll be a taste of life on my own, plus I get to spend time with my grandparents, aunt, and of course, the wonderful Rachel, who can read my mind. I'm scared to death about the job interview weekend, though. I mean, I REALLY want that job, and I'm really afraid of messing it up. Either way, though, it should be interesting and challenging.

One side note: my history professor was a jerk. Stupid lies about cumulative exams and hard grading. Stupid A-. Grr.

A few questions I'd like to send into the abyss: What am I going to do when I grow up? Am I going to be single and alone forever? And where did my STINKING jacket get put in this crazy renovation project that used to be my house?!

Goodnight all, and happy holidays

Finals, then Home!

Father, I have sinned. It has been... erm... a really long time since my last Blog. I have resolved, in future, to update this blog more often. It will be awesome.

Anyway, life is beginning to cheer up a little now that it's finals week. That sounds like an oxymoron, I mean, finals=fun? But the fact is that finals week IS fun because you can stay up until 4 a.m. just hanging out with friends (and hot guys... hehehehe) and getting ready for break. Flexible schedules and freaking out about finals are some of the little joys in life.

Meanwhile, I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to end up happy with my love life, action must be taken. As a friend told me last night, "We've decided to take your romance life into our own hands." And she did. And the guy I like came over and hung out with us until 4 a.m. My new goal is to grow some kahonas. (cahones? kahones? cahonas? screw it, I'll just say balls)

Anyway, with two finals down and only one left, I am all ready to pack and make the long trek home. The only complications to this scheme are picking music that both my passenger and I can agree on to listen to on the 10 hour drive home and making sure I can get my Christmas shopping done on time.

I'm looking forward to the first week of break, in that I get to relax and visit with family. After that, though, things get complicated because I have to go see the head of the District Board and make a crazy road trip to do an interview for the job I'd give my left arm to have this summer. Yikes. For now, though, I'm going to bask in my...guts and enjoy the last few days of finals week, my favorite week of the semester. Happy break everyone!