I'm freaking out, man. No, not me. It's just that almost everyone I care about is having a really tough time right now. Almost all of my friends are depressed or really worried about stuff, and I'm really worried about all of them. The deal is, I LOVE my friends. I really care about them. They're what makes my days fun and bright and give me a spring in my step. And it hurts me when they're all upset. I understand why they might be depressed, but I see the awesome qualities in all of them that they fail to see. I see how their unique attitudes make everyone smile. I see how they care about one another and support one another when times are rough. I witness their intelligence, personality, spirit, caring, loyalty, and general fantasticness on a daily basis, and I wish they could see it, too.
Try to see what I see: that you're really amazing. Why else would I want to spend all of my time with you? The only problem I ever have with any of you is that I occasionally get jealous because I wish I could be as cool and awesome and likeable as you guys. To everyone who might read this: I love you! I care about you! Yes, YOU!
Well, that's my pep talk for now. Goodnight.
This isn't exactly insightful or inspiring. It's just whatever I'm thinking about when I sit down to my keyboard. But, if you're interested, read on. Feel free to leave comments, too!
Friday, January 30, 2004
Out-of-the-Ordinary Quiz
1.Have you ever watched an inebriated overgrown child ride a tricycle around and around inside of a water fountain? Hehehe... no... but I've watched inebriated people do all sorts of other tricks.
2.Do you seek total world domination? Too much stress. I can't even dominate my dirty laundry, much less the world.
3.Have you ever built a fort out of chairs, couch cushions, and blankets? I spent entire years of my life perfecting that skill... and sometimes I still use it. I'd do it right now except that my roommate would give bovine birth.
4.Do you believe monogamy is a true human instinct? I think so... we all want that sense of belonging and unconditional love in the form of a single partner... it lends stability.
5.Have you ever tasted someone else's tears? Nope, just my own.
6.Can you do a back bend? A back handspring? I can!!! Well, I can do a back bend. I can't do a back handspring anymore, I don't think, but I used to be able to.
7.Are you more comfortable being naked in front of family members or complete strangers? Depends on the family member. I suppose if I HAD to be naked, I'd go with the family, since most of them changed my diapers two decades ago.
8.Have you ever seen a spiderweb glistening with morning dew? Yep. And I love it.
9.Do you ever awake early on a day off, only to realize you can sleep in if you want to? Occasionally... I bask in the knowledge that the sun is up and I'm not. And I don't have to be for HOURS... MMMMMMM....
10.Has the tooth fairy ever visited you? Each and every time I lost a tooth.
11.Have you ever had heatstroke? No, but I puked after the first tennis practice of every season, if that's close enough.
12.Do you plan on going to college for more then four years? Not for undergrad., but I've got 3 years of graduate school, minimum.
13.Do you have an oral fixation? Nope... it's more of a finger fixation.
14.Do you continue eating even if you are full? I try not to, but if there's chocolate involved... yeah. That's why my butt his HUGE.
15.Would you open your home to a homeless person with rotting teeth, lice, and festering sores? I'd like to think that I would, but I'm not entirely confident. Particularly if I was living alone and wasn't certain that he wouldn't harm me.
16.Describe yourself in just one word. Servant
17.Can you make a really sad face that gets sympathy when there should otherwise be none? Not that the face warrants it, but I frown so seldom that people usually overreact for me.
18.Have you ever seen a two headed snake? They exist? That's SO cool!!!
19.Are you afraid to scrub toilets? I'm not scared, but sometimes it makes me vomit.
20.Have you ever had your third eye opened? I have no idea how to answer this, except to say that sometimes I go with my woman's intuition.
21.If you were walking down the street and saw an open manhole, would you just have to look down into it? Yup... sometimes you just have to peek.
22.Are your nipples extra sensitive? No comment.
23.Would you like to be a pro wrestler for a day? That would entail wearing spandex and stage makeup. I don't think so.
24.Have you ever seen pictures of the man who made a miniature guillotine and used it to chop of his finger? I don't recall, but it's conceivable.
25.Do you wear underwear when you try on swimsuits at stores? Yup.
26.Are you submissive? I have no idea in a sexual sense, but not in the rest of life.
27.Do you want a big house on a hill? Not necessarily. I'll settle for having a HOUSE.
28.Are you the rebel in your family? For my family, yes, but that's not saying much.
29.Are you seriously warped? Do people run when they see you coming? Not that I'm aware of.
30.Have you reached a state of nirvana recently? "Ohmmm..." "Ohmmmm..." um... what was I doing again?
31.Have you been through boot camp? No.
32.Do you ever pet moss? Yup. You should see the crop of it we have at the front of my house...
33.Are you aware of the affect you have on others? I don't really think I affect others. I hope that sometimes I make people's days better. But again, I'm not sure what the reality is.
34.Would you eat a dead person if you were starving and had no other food? I've given this great thought, and the answer is no, because I would only puke afterward. I can't bring myself to do it.
35. What part of the body would you eat first? If I had to eat it, probably the thigh. It's best on a chicken, right?
36.Do you sleep with an inflateable doll? No. NO. Just Howard. Who is a stuffed bear. And not in any way sexual. AT ALL. Stop thinking that. STOP IT! You're dirty.
37.Do you want to be mummified when you die? Nope. Cremate me and let me disappear.
38.Could you be a ventriloquist if you wanted to? Nope... I can't do that whole voice-throwing thing.
39.Have you ever laughed out loud during a funeral? No. But I've only been to one, so there's still time.
40.Have you ever accidently kicked your partner in the eye during the throes of passion? I've never been in the throes of passion to that extent. But I'm clumsy enough that it's entirely possible.
41.Do you talk to your hands when you are bored? To my hands? No. To my reflection... occasionally. Or to the empty space. Or to my imaginary boyfriend, Kevin. Or...
42.Do you eat yellow snow? No yellow snow. Only white snow. And snow that you make into a snow-cone.
43.Have you ever had goldenseal tea? Huh? I don't understand. I'm SO CONFUSED!
44.Do you roam the streets after dark, scaring old women and priests? Me?! *innocent look* Would I do something like that?! Never... My friend reminds me that someday I will be both the old woman and the priest. For the record, I won't be a priest, I'll be a minister, but he has a point. I should stop.
45.Have you always wanted to live inside a shoe with many, many children? No. I can't handle more than 3 children at once and too many of my friends wouldn't be able to come see me because of their fear of feet. (I know, Zach, me and my damn friends)
46.Do you think geminis change their minds too often? I never know who Gemini's are to notice. But if you say they do, they probably do.
47.Do you bathe with a yellow rubber ducky? We have no bathtub. I live in a dorm. But if I had a house, with a clean tub, then I probably would. Bubble baths with rubber duckies, just like when I was seven.
48.Do you think people should be allowed to go barefoot in restaurants? No. Gross. Feet. (but I DON'T have a feet thing. I just don't think it's sanitary. That's how people get hookworm.)
49.If it feels good, is it right? Not necessarily. (yes, AMBIGUITY!!!)
2.Do you seek total world domination? Too much stress. I can't even dominate my dirty laundry, much less the world.
3.Have you ever built a fort out of chairs, couch cushions, and blankets? I spent entire years of my life perfecting that skill... and sometimes I still use it. I'd do it right now except that my roommate would give bovine birth.
4.Do you believe monogamy is a true human instinct? I think so... we all want that sense of belonging and unconditional love in the form of a single partner... it lends stability.
5.Have you ever tasted someone else's tears? Nope, just my own.
6.Can you do a back bend? A back handspring? I can!!! Well, I can do a back bend. I can't do a back handspring anymore, I don't think, but I used to be able to.
7.Are you more comfortable being naked in front of family members or complete strangers? Depends on the family member. I suppose if I HAD to be naked, I'd go with the family, since most of them changed my diapers two decades ago.
8.Have you ever seen a spiderweb glistening with morning dew? Yep. And I love it.
9.Do you ever awake early on a day off, only to realize you can sleep in if you want to? Occasionally... I bask in the knowledge that the sun is up and I'm not. And I don't have to be for HOURS... MMMMMMM....
10.Has the tooth fairy ever visited you? Each and every time I lost a tooth.
11.Have you ever had heatstroke? No, but I puked after the first tennis practice of every season, if that's close enough.
12.Do you plan on going to college for more then four years? Not for undergrad., but I've got 3 years of graduate school, minimum.
13.Do you have an oral fixation? Nope... it's more of a finger fixation.
14.Do you continue eating even if you are full? I try not to, but if there's chocolate involved... yeah. That's why my butt his HUGE.
15.Would you open your home to a homeless person with rotting teeth, lice, and festering sores? I'd like to think that I would, but I'm not entirely confident. Particularly if I was living alone and wasn't certain that he wouldn't harm me.
16.Describe yourself in just one word. Servant
17.Can you make a really sad face that gets sympathy when there should otherwise be none? Not that the face warrants it, but I frown so seldom that people usually overreact for me.
18.Have you ever seen a two headed snake? They exist? That's SO cool!!!
19.Are you afraid to scrub toilets? I'm not scared, but sometimes it makes me vomit.
20.Have you ever had your third eye opened? I have no idea how to answer this, except to say that sometimes I go with my woman's intuition.
21.If you were walking down the street and saw an open manhole, would you just have to look down into it? Yup... sometimes you just have to peek.
22.Are your nipples extra sensitive? No comment.
23.Would you like to be a pro wrestler for a day? That would entail wearing spandex and stage makeup. I don't think so.
24.Have you ever seen pictures of the man who made a miniature guillotine and used it to chop of his finger? I don't recall, but it's conceivable.
25.Do you wear underwear when you try on swimsuits at stores? Yup.
26.Are you submissive? I have no idea in a sexual sense, but not in the rest of life.
27.Do you want a big house on a hill? Not necessarily. I'll settle for having a HOUSE.
28.Are you the rebel in your family? For my family, yes, but that's not saying much.
29.Are you seriously warped? Do people run when they see you coming? Not that I'm aware of.
30.Have you reached a state of nirvana recently? "Ohmmm..." "Ohmmmm..." um... what was I doing again?
31.Have you been through boot camp? No.
32.Do you ever pet moss? Yup. You should see the crop of it we have at the front of my house...
33.Are you aware of the affect you have on others? I don't really think I affect others. I hope that sometimes I make people's days better. But again, I'm not sure what the reality is.
34.Would you eat a dead person if you were starving and had no other food? I've given this great thought, and the answer is no, because I would only puke afterward. I can't bring myself to do it.
35. What part of the body would you eat first? If I had to eat it, probably the thigh. It's best on a chicken, right?
36.Do you sleep with an inflateable doll? No. NO. Just Howard. Who is a stuffed bear. And not in any way sexual. AT ALL. Stop thinking that. STOP IT! You're dirty.
37.Do you want to be mummified when you die? Nope. Cremate me and let me disappear.
38.Could you be a ventriloquist if you wanted to? Nope... I can't do that whole voice-throwing thing.
39.Have you ever laughed out loud during a funeral? No. But I've only been to one, so there's still time.
40.Have you ever accidently kicked your partner in the eye during the throes of passion? I've never been in the throes of passion to that extent. But I'm clumsy enough that it's entirely possible.
41.Do you talk to your hands when you are bored? To my hands? No. To my reflection... occasionally. Or to the empty space. Or to my imaginary boyfriend, Kevin. Or...
42.Do you eat yellow snow? No yellow snow. Only white snow. And snow that you make into a snow-cone.
43.Have you ever had goldenseal tea? Huh? I don't understand. I'm SO CONFUSED!
44.Do you roam the streets after dark, scaring old women and priests? Me?! *innocent look* Would I do something like that?! Never... My friend reminds me that someday I will be both the old woman and the priest. For the record, I won't be a priest, I'll be a minister, but he has a point. I should stop.
45.Have you always wanted to live inside a shoe with many, many children? No. I can't handle more than 3 children at once and too many of my friends wouldn't be able to come see me because of their fear of feet. (I know, Zach, me and my damn friends)
46.Do you think geminis change their minds too often? I never know who Gemini's are to notice. But if you say they do, they probably do.
47.Do you bathe with a yellow rubber ducky? We have no bathtub. I live in a dorm. But if I had a house, with a clean tub, then I probably would. Bubble baths with rubber duckies, just like when I was seven.
48.Do you think people should be allowed to go barefoot in restaurants? No. Gross. Feet. (but I DON'T have a feet thing. I just don't think it's sanitary. That's how people get hookworm.)
49.If it feels good, is it right? Not necessarily. (yes, AMBIGUITY!!!)
The Spinster Aunt Strikes Again
I give up. I completely give up. No more guys for me. I'm never going to get one. Ever. So, I'm giving up. I'm going to be a spinster forever. I'm not going to think about it anymore. No more boy thoughts. I'm not becoming a lesbian or anything (sorry, but no same-sex attraction here) I'm just going to be single and not worry about males anymore. I'm tired of watching my female friends, through no fault of their own, attract every male in the western hemisphere, so that every guy is completely out of my reach. I'm tired of knowing that every male friend I have is not interested in me, and of only having unsuccessful romantic stuff. I'm OK. I'm just giving up hope completely.
In other news, classes are boring and work is OK, but nothing exciting. Perhaps I need to do something really radical to shake things up. Like start breaking the law. Or become anorexic. Or become a goth. Or buy new shoes. (hey, that's radical for me!) Something has to happen.
"She wishes she was a dancer, and that she'd never heard of cancer. She wishes God would give us some answers..." - Our Lady Peace, "Innocent"
In other news, classes are boring and work is OK, but nothing exciting. Perhaps I need to do something really radical to shake things up. Like start breaking the law. Or become anorexic. Or become a goth. Or buy new shoes. (hey, that's radical for me!) Something has to happen.
"She wishes she was a dancer, and that she'd never heard of cancer. She wishes God would give us some answers..." - Our Lady Peace, "Innocent"
Monday, January 26, 2004
Wallflower
Sitting expectantly
Wishing to be noticed
Yet timidly hiding
From strangers' stares.
Eyes humbly cast down
Listening to the revels of others
Like a child with his nose
Pressed against the car window.
Watching everyone laugh and cry
But never taking part.
Seeing others express themselves
Through music, and writing, and art.
Waiting for an invitation
To join reality
An outsider
Waiting at the door.
Living on the outside
And peeking in the door
Watching others in the water,
But standing on the shore.
Afraid of being rejected,
I disappear in the commotion.
I have no courage, so I sit here
A decoration.
Reading novels and watching films
To see how life could be,
Never having a life for myself
Only vicariously.
"Why am I the witness
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?" - "Halloween" from RENT, by Johnathan Larson
"[He] hides in his work ...
From facing your failure, facing your loneliness
Facing the fact you live a lie - tell you why
You're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive.
You pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from being alive." - "Goodbye Love" from RENT, by Johnathan Larson
Wishing to be noticed
Yet timidly hiding
From strangers' stares.
Eyes humbly cast down
Listening to the revels of others
Like a child with his nose
Pressed against the car window.
Watching everyone laugh and cry
But never taking part.
Seeing others express themselves
Through music, and writing, and art.
Waiting for an invitation
To join reality
An outsider
Waiting at the door.
Living on the outside
And peeking in the door
Watching others in the water,
But standing on the shore.
Afraid of being rejected,
I disappear in the commotion.
I have no courage, so I sit here
A decoration.
Reading novels and watching films
To see how life could be,
Never having a life for myself
Only vicariously.
"Why am I the witness
And when I capture it on film
Will it mean that it's the end
And I'm alone?" - "Halloween" from RENT, by Johnathan Larson
"[He] hides in his work ...
From facing your failure, facing your loneliness
Facing the fact you live a lie - tell you why
You're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive.
You pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from being alive." - "Goodbye Love" from RENT, by Johnathan Larson
"I Wonder as I Wander..."
I did a great deal of walking around campus today, mostly because I had five classes, spread all over the place. So, I thought I'd summarize some of the thoughts that splattered in my brain while I ambled/slid/waddled/rushed around campus.
First, there are tons of squirrels on the quad. Why? Why are there so many squirrels on the quad? And why aren't they scared of people? I think that they laugh at us and talk about us as we walk to class. I imagine their conversation to me something like this:
Short, very obese squirrel: "Silly humans, they don't have any fur, so they have to wear those silly looking hats all the time. Why don't they hibernate like all of the other wussy animals do?"
Thin squirrel with big tail: "I don't know. And why do they go sit in boring buildings and listen to boring lectures instead of playing outside like us? Humans think they're so special because they walk upright. That only gives the back problems."
SVOS: "True dat, fuzzy. Idiot bi-peds."
TSWBT: "Crap for brains. We'll just keep throwing acorns at them." HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!
Then they go back to playing freeze tag. (Yes, I mean freeze tag, I could distinctly make out the style of play)
Then I saw a tour group. There is some sort of mischievous part of me that wants to do crazy things whenever I see a tour group. Like talk loudly to a stranger near me about how I'm going to sue the University because they tied me up and made me eat asparagus during one of my finals. Or I get the urge to follow the tour group, and ask bizzarro questions, like "What kind of asphalt do you use around here?" and "Do you have any professors with the last name Bueller?" Sometimes I want to yell nonsensical movie quotes at them, like, "I'm going to rip out your eyeballs and skullf--- you!" or "Go away, you silly English pig-dog! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry!" Worst of all, I have the feeling I should try to get them lost, or hit on them, or throw them in the snow. It's not that I have any problem with prospective students, I actually want them to come here and support the university. I just can't help that I have an eight-year-old problem child trapped in a nineteen-year-old responsible student body. Does this mean that I have mental issues? Hmm...
And when I'm walking across campus, I inevitably see people I recognize. There are several scenarios that always play out in these situations. If it is one of your closer friends, you approach and share a few moments of real conversation, which, of course, causes both of you to be late to your next class. If it's someone that you see on a daily basis and are acquainted with, you either smile and wave, or you try to have one of those brief, "How's it going?" type of conversations, that tell you nothing and usually end with someone yelling from 30 feet away, "FINE THANKS!!!" But worse than either of these is the dilemma of whether or not to talk to that person that you recognize, but can't place. You see someone, and you know that you've talked to them before, either in a class or at a party or through a friend of a friend of a friend, but you can't place them. You can a) smile and wave, in hopes that they'll also recognize you and do the same, b) ignore them and risk offense c) say hi and hope that they don't just look at you like you're crazy, or d) some combination of a) and b).
And what is up with the people who don't wear coats? I know you think you're tough, and young, and invincible, but REALLY! There's snow on the ground, the high for the day is 26 degrees, and you should be wearing a coat. No, wearing gloves and a hat with no coat is not enough. I don't care if it makes you look like a wimp, I don't care if it doesn't match your outfit. None of that will matter when you FREEZE TO DEATH! Silly. Very silly.
One last thing: I think that there are tiny elves who live in the hem of my jeans and jump down to untie my shoes when I least expect it. It doesn't matter what I do. Even if I double knot my shoes and weave the loops through my shoelaces farther down, they still come untied. And only in the worst possible situations, like when it's 12 degrees out and windy. Or when it's raining. Or when I'm trying to cross College Ave. Ergh. I'm cursed with shoelace-untying-elves. Evil, nasty creatures. Grr.
But all in all, despite these random, slightly psychotic thoughts, I had a pretty good day. Now, on to get some food and see RENT. Rock on.
First, there are tons of squirrels on the quad. Why? Why are there so many squirrels on the quad? And why aren't they scared of people? I think that they laugh at us and talk about us as we walk to class. I imagine their conversation to me something like this:
Short, very obese squirrel: "Silly humans, they don't have any fur, so they have to wear those silly looking hats all the time. Why don't they hibernate like all of the other wussy animals do?"
Thin squirrel with big tail: "I don't know. And why do they go sit in boring buildings and listen to boring lectures instead of playing outside like us? Humans think they're so special because they walk upright. That only gives the back problems."
SVOS: "True dat, fuzzy. Idiot bi-peds."
TSWBT: "Crap for brains. We'll just keep throwing acorns at them." HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!
Then they go back to playing freeze tag. (Yes, I mean freeze tag, I could distinctly make out the style of play)
Then I saw a tour group. There is some sort of mischievous part of me that wants to do crazy things whenever I see a tour group. Like talk loudly to a stranger near me about how I'm going to sue the University because they tied me up and made me eat asparagus during one of my finals. Or I get the urge to follow the tour group, and ask bizzarro questions, like "What kind of asphalt do you use around here?" and "Do you have any professors with the last name Bueller?" Sometimes I want to yell nonsensical movie quotes at them, like, "I'm going to rip out your eyeballs and skullf--- you!" or "Go away, you silly English pig-dog! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry!" Worst of all, I have the feeling I should try to get them lost, or hit on them, or throw them in the snow. It's not that I have any problem with prospective students, I actually want them to come here and support the university. I just can't help that I have an eight-year-old problem child trapped in a nineteen-year-old responsible student body. Does this mean that I have mental issues? Hmm...
And when I'm walking across campus, I inevitably see people I recognize. There are several scenarios that always play out in these situations. If it is one of your closer friends, you approach and share a few moments of real conversation, which, of course, causes both of you to be late to your next class. If it's someone that you see on a daily basis and are acquainted with, you either smile and wave, or you try to have one of those brief, "How's it going?" type of conversations, that tell you nothing and usually end with someone yelling from 30 feet away, "FINE THANKS!!!" But worse than either of these is the dilemma of whether or not to talk to that person that you recognize, but can't place. You see someone, and you know that you've talked to them before, either in a class or at a party or through a friend of a friend of a friend, but you can't place them. You can a) smile and wave, in hopes that they'll also recognize you and do the same, b) ignore them and risk offense c) say hi and hope that they don't just look at you like you're crazy, or d) some combination of a) and b).
And what is up with the people who don't wear coats? I know you think you're tough, and young, and invincible, but REALLY! There's snow on the ground, the high for the day is 26 degrees, and you should be wearing a coat. No, wearing gloves and a hat with no coat is not enough. I don't care if it makes you look like a wimp, I don't care if it doesn't match your outfit. None of that will matter when you FREEZE TO DEATH! Silly. Very silly.
One last thing: I think that there are tiny elves who live in the hem of my jeans and jump down to untie my shoes when I least expect it. It doesn't matter what I do. Even if I double knot my shoes and weave the loops through my shoelaces farther down, they still come untied. And only in the worst possible situations, like when it's 12 degrees out and windy. Or when it's raining. Or when I'm trying to cross College Ave. Ergh. I'm cursed with shoelace-untying-elves. Evil, nasty creatures. Grr.
But all in all, despite these random, slightly psychotic thoughts, I had a pretty good day. Now, on to get some food and see RENT. Rock on.
Friday, January 23, 2004
No Broken Heart, Just Broken Me
Right. Well, that which was possible is now over. And I really don't mind. I mean, it would have been nice if something had happened, but I'm OK that it didn't. Because, of all the possible outcomes, this is close to the best that could have happened. And I must say, I'm impressed by the other person involved. He was very mature about everything and I don't feel hurt about any of it, just a little relieved that the whole thing is finally out in the open and not just crazy speculation anymore. And I'm a little glad that the person who acted as a catalyst for this took action, simply because now the ambiguity and confusion are gone.
The only problem with the end of this, is that now there is no real hope on the horizon for dealing with the problem I mentioned at the end of my entry earlier today (or was that yesterday, since it's after midnight?) I just have the distinct feeling that the whole romantic/relationship/opposite sex thing in me is broken. And that I might end up single forever. And it's not as though I need a guy to have self worth or to validate my existence. (That would just be really sad) I'm just scared that I'm not capable of being loved. That there's something about me that's driving people away.
So, one complication down, several to go. But right now it's time to turn all of that craziness over to God and get some sleep. That is, if I can fall asleep with the chainsaw in the room...
The only problem with the end of this, is that now there is no real hope on the horizon for dealing with the problem I mentioned at the end of my entry earlier today (or was that yesterday, since it's after midnight?) I just have the distinct feeling that the whole romantic/relationship/opposite sex thing in me is broken. And that I might end up single forever. And it's not as though I need a guy to have self worth or to validate my existence. (That would just be really sad) I'm just scared that I'm not capable of being loved. That there's something about me that's driving people away.
So, one complication down, several to go. But right now it's time to turn all of that craziness over to God and get some sleep. That is, if I can fall asleep with the chainsaw in the room...
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Splatters of Thought
So, several things have happened since I last wrote and I have tons of little things rattling around in my head, so I'm going to do the paint-splatter-thought thing. Look out, splatters on the way.
I had my new classes yesterday. All of them look really interesting, but also very hard. There are tons of assignments and I'm starting to worry about all of them already. I know that I'll get through it, but it's not a good sign when you have four assignments for just one class on the first day.
I must confess: I have a crush. There's a guy that, from all that I know of him so far, I really like. But he's really shy. I want to get to know him better, and date him eventually, but I can't get him to let down his guard enough to make that possible. It's starting to get frustrating.
I'm starting to feel like a lonely reject. It's not that I'm dying to be in a relationship or that I need a guy to feel complete. (that's just dumb) I guess I just want to know that I'm not completely undesirable. I've only had two guys really care about me in that way in my whole life, and both of them were slightly psycho. Does that mean that only crazy people can like me? Is there something wrong with me that no guy ever likes me beyond friendship? I mean, I love having guy friends, but at some point I'd like something more. I just want the reassurance that nice guys CAN like me, and that I CAN be happy in a relationship instead of just hurt. I don't think I'm completely worthless or anything like that, it's just that I begin to wonder after a while if there's something wrong with me, or if my relationship carbeurator is just missing.
My friends are great, though. Sarah and Stef always make me feel great about myself, Zach and Chris support me without me even telling them that anything's wrong, and Kristen, Rachel, and Sally make me laugh. The folks at Wesley have this amazing belief that I can do anything that I want, which amazes me. I've never felt like they doubted me or were worried that I wouldn't or couldn't do something that I said I would. And that makes me feel good about myself, like I'm a superhero or something.
Pres. Bush's State of the Union address really bothered me. I mean, unemployment is incredibly high, and his biggest fear is homosexual marriage? I mean, I understand that he is against gay marriage, but what's most important here? Come on, let's try to keep our focus on the critical things!!! And what's up with this "continuing the war on terror"? Who, or what specifically, is terror? And where? And how can we fight something that we can't define? If we're going to go to war, let's at least tell specifically who we're going after! And really, how does he intend to install all of those programs he talked about while cutting taxes so that the government doesn't have any money to use for the programs? If he thinks he can decrease tax income and increase spending simultaneously, he is, to quote "The American President" "The chief executive of fantasy land!" I do appreciate, however, his faith and his openness about it. He's a man of good character, but sometimes I think he makes errors of judgement. Or perhaps I'm just too cynical.
Well, I must be running along, because I have this little thing called WORK, but I'll write more later.
I had my new classes yesterday. All of them look really interesting, but also very hard. There are tons of assignments and I'm starting to worry about all of them already. I know that I'll get through it, but it's not a good sign when you have four assignments for just one class on the first day.
I must confess: I have a crush. There's a guy that, from all that I know of him so far, I really like. But he's really shy. I want to get to know him better, and date him eventually, but I can't get him to let down his guard enough to make that possible. It's starting to get frustrating.
I'm starting to feel like a lonely reject. It's not that I'm dying to be in a relationship or that I need a guy to feel complete. (that's just dumb) I guess I just want to know that I'm not completely undesirable. I've only had two guys really care about me in that way in my whole life, and both of them were slightly psycho. Does that mean that only crazy people can like me? Is there something wrong with me that no guy ever likes me beyond friendship? I mean, I love having guy friends, but at some point I'd like something more. I just want the reassurance that nice guys CAN like me, and that I CAN be happy in a relationship instead of just hurt. I don't think I'm completely worthless or anything like that, it's just that I begin to wonder after a while if there's something wrong with me, or if my relationship carbeurator is just missing.
My friends are great, though. Sarah and Stef always make me feel great about myself, Zach and Chris support me without me even telling them that anything's wrong, and Kristen, Rachel, and Sally make me laugh. The folks at Wesley have this amazing belief that I can do anything that I want, which amazes me. I've never felt like they doubted me or were worried that I wouldn't or couldn't do something that I said I would. And that makes me feel good about myself, like I'm a superhero or something.
Pres. Bush's State of the Union address really bothered me. I mean, unemployment is incredibly high, and his biggest fear is homosexual marriage? I mean, I understand that he is against gay marriage, but what's most important here? Come on, let's try to keep our focus on the critical things!!! And what's up with this "continuing the war on terror"? Who, or what specifically, is terror? And where? And how can we fight something that we can't define? If we're going to go to war, let's at least tell specifically who we're going after! And really, how does he intend to install all of those programs he talked about while cutting taxes so that the government doesn't have any money to use for the programs? If he thinks he can decrease tax income and increase spending simultaneously, he is, to quote "The American President" "The chief executive of fantasy land!" I do appreciate, however, his faith and his openness about it. He's a man of good character, but sometimes I think he makes errors of judgement. Or perhaps I'm just too cynical.
Well, I must be running along, because I have this little thing called WORK, but I'll write more later.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Back to the Dormness
And so it begins... The Sex and the City marathons have begun again. My roommate and her friends that are addicted to this show are watching it (AGAIN) in my room (AGAIN) late at night (AGAIN). Ergh.
The good news is that the entire crew of friends is now back, including the great Stef and Sarah, the fabulous Chris and Zach, the magnificent Jay and Wang, and the infamous roommate.
I'm a little nervous for the next semester. I don't know what my classes are going to be like. I'm not sure what is going on in the whole possible love life (or the lack thereof). I have no idea where I'll be in 2.5 years. I'm not sure how to handle just about anything, so I'm just flying by the seat of my pants, which is not my style. I'm the sort of person who would rather have everything planned out for the foreseeable future. And this uncertainty, this NOT KNOWING, is driving me crazy. I mean, tomorrow I'm changing my major, but I'm still not sure what I'll be doing next. So, here I am, jumping out of the planned life I had set in front of me and facing a complete unknown. Yikes. I'm going to bury my fear in some candy and conversation. Goodnight
The good news is that the entire crew of friends is now back, including the great Stef and Sarah, the fabulous Chris and Zach, the magnificent Jay and Wang, and the infamous roommate.
I'm a little nervous for the next semester. I don't know what my classes are going to be like. I'm not sure what is going on in the whole possible love life (or the lack thereof). I have no idea where I'll be in 2.5 years. I'm not sure how to handle just about anything, so I'm just flying by the seat of my pants, which is not my style. I'm the sort of person who would rather have everything planned out for the foreseeable future. And this uncertainty, this NOT KNOWING, is driving me crazy. I mean, tomorrow I'm changing my major, but I'm still not sure what I'll be doing next. So, here I am, jumping out of the planned life I had set in front of me and facing a complete unknown. Yikes. I'm going to bury my fear in some candy and conversation. Goodnight
Monday, January 19, 2004
Herding the Butterflies
I've figured it out. Every time you try to influence people, whether it be through persuasion or leadership or something else entirely, it is like herding butterflies. Each individual has their own direction and pattern, and they are all going in different directions, paying little attention to where the others are going. As the herder, you have to try to make their paths intersect, but without damaging their very vulnerable wings, or crushing their sensitive spots.
I came to this conclusion last night, when I was trying to gather the people I was driving home from the party. They were all going in different directions, with different goals and driving forces. I had to try to get them all going the same direction for long enough to get them into the car. My theory was further validated by a discussion of a certain male. This specific male is of great interest to me, but happens to be extremely shy. Mostly as a herder in this case, I want to convince the butterfly to take flight when it seems quite content to sit on the current flower, close to the ground, and not risk the air.
So, here's to the beautiful, diverse butterflies of the world. I'm off to do some herding.
I came to this conclusion last night, when I was trying to gather the people I was driving home from the party. They were all going in different directions, with different goals and driving forces. I had to try to get them all going the same direction for long enough to get them into the car. My theory was further validated by a discussion of a certain male. This specific male is of great interest to me, but happens to be extremely shy. Mostly as a herder in this case, I want to convince the butterfly to take flight when it seems quite content to sit on the current flower, close to the ground, and not risk the air.
So, here's to the beautiful, diverse butterflies of the world. I'm off to do some herding.
Mother Lauren? I don't know about that...
I had an epiphany last night. I realized that I'm not just a spinster aunt, I actually have mothering tendencies. Now, I'm not talking like I want to have kids (anytime soon, maybe never) but I actually felt the urge to take care of the girls I took to the party. I was, as usual, the designated driver, carrying around my Mt. Dew. As I observed the social interactions of the party (hey, too many soc. classes will do that to you) I discovered that I wanted to make sure that my friends didn't do anything that they would regret. For instance, I tried to make sure that Stef, Rachel, Bryan, and Kristen didn't make out with anyone that they didn't really like. In many cases I succeeded, in a few I failed. Then I made sure that the girls got back to the dorm and into bed safely. And I felt as though I had accomplished something. It was strange to feel as though I made a difference when all I did was watch out for my friends. But it was still fun, despite the fact that the guy I like is really shy, and that I got hit on by a 25-year-old. Ah... college is grand.
I'm really REALLY happy that all of my friends are finally back. Even though I'm worried about some of them that are battling hard times, I'm glad that they're back here where I can see that they're all right. And (she added selfishly) I love chilling with them!
Tomorrow is the first day of classes for us, but I don't have any classes on Tuesday/Thursday, so I don't have any tomorrow. I actually sort of wish I had a class or two, just because I'd like to get a taste of what the semester will be like. Instead, I have to jump in with both feet on day two. Oh well, it should be exciting. And I get to practice running from building to building in the 10 minutes between classes.
And tonight is the first big night of Twain dining. Very exciting. Or not. Oh, well. At least there's Yo-Cream.
I'm really REALLY happy that all of my friends are finally back. Even though I'm worried about some of them that are battling hard times, I'm glad that they're back here where I can see that they're all right. And (she added selfishly) I love chilling with them!
Tomorrow is the first day of classes for us, but I don't have any classes on Tuesday/Thursday, so I don't have any tomorrow. I actually sort of wish I had a class or two, just because I'd like to get a taste of what the semester will be like. Instead, I have to jump in with both feet on day two. Oh well, it should be exciting. And I get to practice running from building to building in the 10 minutes between classes.
And tonight is the first big night of Twain dining. Very exciting. Or not. Oh, well. At least there's Yo-Cream.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Cold and Bored...Ick
It's a Saturday night when we're not in classes yet, and so far I've ordered in pizza, worked, been for a walk, and watched a movie with Stef. Oh, and been called a jackal. What an exciting night, I'm telling you.
On the jackal thing, is it so wrong to want to make the new residents feel welcome? Caleb called me and Stef jackals for going around meeting the new residents that have moved in. We just wanted to make them feel welcome! Honestly, just because they happened to be attractive males, everyone thinks we have hidden motives.
In other news... oh, wait, there is no other news. I'm incredibly bored. It's cold and rainy, and there are no parties tonight, and I've run out of movies that I feel like watching. I'm actually considering curling up and reading, then going to bed at a reasonable hour. My life is sad.
More people should start arriving soon, and activities will start up on and off campus. That will lead to more things to do. Plus classes, which always fill life with so many interesting challenges. Sadly, I'm actually looking forward to Monday, when nearly everyone will be back and have to start getting ready for classes to start. It means that we'll have things to do again, instead of playing things from www.addictinggames.com and watching videos.
I hate cold, rainy weather. Cold weather I can handle, because you can walk in the cold to places, then just warm up when you get there. And cold often means snow, which leads to snowball fights and thick socks and hot chocolate. I don't mind rainy weather because it means puddle jumping and umbrellas. But weather that is both cold and rainy means that you never feel warm because the water holds in the cold, and you can't just warm up when you reach your destination. It makes me want to stay inside and there's nothing to do.
I have a great desire to hide somewhere and cry for no reason at all. I'm not even really sad. I just feel like crying. Man, I'm turning into a head case. I'm going to seek help in the form of caffeine. Go me.
On the jackal thing, is it so wrong to want to make the new residents feel welcome? Caleb called me and Stef jackals for going around meeting the new residents that have moved in. We just wanted to make them feel welcome! Honestly, just because they happened to be attractive males, everyone thinks we have hidden motives.
In other news... oh, wait, there is no other news. I'm incredibly bored. It's cold and rainy, and there are no parties tonight, and I've run out of movies that I feel like watching. I'm actually considering curling up and reading, then going to bed at a reasonable hour. My life is sad.
More people should start arriving soon, and activities will start up on and off campus. That will lead to more things to do. Plus classes, which always fill life with so many interesting challenges. Sadly, I'm actually looking forward to Monday, when nearly everyone will be back and have to start getting ready for classes to start. It means that we'll have things to do again, instead of playing things from www.addictinggames.com and watching videos.
I hate cold, rainy weather. Cold weather I can handle, because you can walk in the cold to places, then just warm up when you get there. And cold often means snow, which leads to snowball fights and thick socks and hot chocolate. I don't mind rainy weather because it means puddle jumping and umbrellas. But weather that is both cold and rainy means that you never feel warm because the water holds in the cold, and you can't just warm up when you reach your destination. It makes me want to stay inside and there's nothing to do.
I have a great desire to hide somewhere and cry for no reason at all. I'm not even really sad. I just feel like crying. Man, I'm turning into a head case. I'm going to seek help in the form of caffeine. Go me.
Friday, January 16, 2004
Dreary Dorm
Ahh... another classless day at college. I didn't have to work today, so I got to sleep in REALLY late, then I got to chill with Stef for most of the afternoon, and also with Patrick and Zach, so it was a quite enjoyable experience. The only downside was that my roommate moved back in, which is never good. It's not that she's a bad person, she just has habits that REALLY annoy me. And she's very high-maintenance, which drives me nuts. And we don't really talk. But besides that, she's OK.
I realized today, however, that I haven't been kissed since June. This is a strange realization for me, because I hadn't noticed it sooner. I mean, I would think that after about three months I would have had some sort of epiphany that, oh my gosh, I haven't kissed someone in a quarter of a year. Or I would have had a revelation when someone else talked about making out with a guy, but no. Until today, I remained blissfully ignorant of my very-single status. So, though I don't find it to be a stigma or anything, I feel more spinsterish than usual today. I mean, Stef is single, but she has numerous prospects. And Sarah has a very good potential boy situation going on. I seem to be heading for another semester of singlehood. This is fine with me, but I do feel just a little left out.
As Stef said earlier, "We need men. We're playing Connect Four with each other on date night. We REALLY need men." I don't think it's men we need, it's really something to do. Anything. The boredom is overwhelming.
I realized today, however, that I haven't been kissed since June. This is a strange realization for me, because I hadn't noticed it sooner. I mean, I would think that after about three months I would have had some sort of epiphany that, oh my gosh, I haven't kissed someone in a quarter of a year. Or I would have had a revelation when someone else talked about making out with a guy, but no. Until today, I remained blissfully ignorant of my very-single status. So, though I don't find it to be a stigma or anything, I feel more spinsterish than usual today. I mean, Stef is single, but she has numerous prospects. And Sarah has a very good potential boy situation going on. I seem to be heading for another semester of singlehood. This is fine with me, but I do feel just a little left out.
As Stef said earlier, "We need men. We're playing Connect Four with each other on date night. We REALLY need men." I don't think it's men we need, it's really something to do. Anything. The boredom is overwhelming.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Cheating
I have a confession to make: I cheat. I know that it is wrong and bad and makes me really unattractive, but I can't help it. Sometimes I just want things so badly that I can't stop myself. Not to mention the peer pressure that others can exert. I have resolved to try harder, but I don't know if I can. After all, a girl can only do so much. From now on, I'll try harder to be faithful to my diet.
Ha! I fooled you, didn't I? I have never cheated in a relationship. Ever. But I do occasionally slip on my diet. I think from now on I'm going to adopt the idea that it is the quantity that is the problem in gaining weight, not actually what you eat. Besides, no matter how hard I try, I can't give up desserts completely. Life is just too short to miss out on the good stuff.
In the meantime, people have actually started coming back to the dorms, which makes me really happy. After all, I'm no longer by myself all the time. Stef and Zach keep me laughing, and Sarah and Chris and the rest of the gang will be here soon.
For now, I have 5 days before classes start for me (I got nothing on Tuesday!!!) so I'm going to start chillin' like a villain. Starting with some old school Mario Bros. in Wang's room. Awesome.
Ha! I fooled you, didn't I? I have never cheated in a relationship. Ever. But I do occasionally slip on my diet. I think from now on I'm going to adopt the idea that it is the quantity that is the problem in gaining weight, not actually what you eat. Besides, no matter how hard I try, I can't give up desserts completely. Life is just too short to miss out on the good stuff.
In the meantime, people have actually started coming back to the dorms, which makes me really happy. After all, I'm no longer by myself all the time. Stef and Zach keep me laughing, and Sarah and Chris and the rest of the gang will be here soon.
For now, I have 5 days before classes start for me (I got nothing on Tuesday!!!) so I'm going to start chillin' like a villain. Starting with some old school Mario Bros. in Wang's room. Awesome.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Stolen Stolen Stolen Quiz
LAST PERSON WHO...
[Slept in your bed] Me
[Saw you cry] Can't remember, it's been a long time since I let someone see me vulnerable
[Made you cry] Can't remember that either... it's usually more a bunch of events than one person
[Spent the night at your house] probably Amy from home...all about the girls' nights
[You went to the mall with] Rachel, because I was actually in Ohio
[Yelled at you] My grandfather, about politics
[Sent you an email] Wang, about work...how sad is that?
[Said they were going to kill you] Me? I don't know. But probably me.
HAVE YOU EVER...
[Said "I love you" and meant it?] I love you, yes. I'm in love with you, no. It's complicated.
[Been to New York?] Yep. Twice.
[Been to Florida?] Twice, but both over 2 years ago.
[California?] Yup
[Hawaii?] I wish, I'd love to see the volcanoes!
[Mexico?] Nuh-uh.
[China?] Nope
[Canada?] Yeah...kinda fun place, but too cold.
[Danced naked?] Not fully naked, but you'd better believe in my underwear!
[Dreamed something really crazy and then it happens the next day?] Occasionally.
[Stalked someone?] Not yet... MWAHAHAHA!!!
[Had a mud bath?] Hmm... not the bath, but I got covered in it a lot as a kid.
[Wished you were the opposite sex?] Numerous times. In the end I always end up glad I'm female, though.
[Had an imaginary friend?] Nope...I was too busy getting dirty to worry about somebody invisible.
[Math or English?] English... math is my nemesis.
[What are you going to do after you finish this survey?] Sleep? Write? I never think that far ahead.
[What was the last food you ate?] Chicken Tenders at Eva's for dinner. I wish I had something better to say, like chocolate.
[Are you bored?] Definitely... there's no one here!!!
[Last time you went out of the state] Yesterday I was in 2 other states, the day before that 4. (Road trip!)
[Lucky number?] 13
[Things you like in a girl/guy?] Intelligence, sense of humor, faith, communication skills, and, let's face it, nice shoulders and eyes.
[Do you have a crush on someone] Perhaps oui, perhaps non. (I'm going for mystique here...work with me) But to be honest, yes.
[Do they know?] Quite possibly.
[Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] Do I ever? No.
[What do you think of Ouija boards?] Hokey and fake...but fun all the same!
[What book are you reading now?] A Girl's Best Friend, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and Beowulf
[Favorite magazine?] I have to pick ONE? Probably Marie Claire, with Cosmo and SI coming next.
[Favorite sound?] Laughter, closely followed by nearly all kinds of music.
[Worst feeling in the world?] Rejection (relationships, jobs, etc.)
[Do you like scary or exciting rollercoasters?] Rollercoasters are all both scary and exciting, which is why I love them so much!
[How many rings before you answer?] Ground line is usually 2. Cell takes longer because I have to find it.
[Future daughter's name?] Kids? KIDS? First I'm getting a dog. Then I might think about finding a husband. But kids are a long, LONG way off yet.
[Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?] Yep. Black bear named Howard.
[If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?] Wide Receiver for the Denver Broncos.
[Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?] Righty, but years of piano lessons are working on ambidextrous
[Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?] You better believe it... years of "Typing Tutor" and computer classes, plus it's faster this way!
[What's under your bed?] At home: who knows. At school: movies, boxes of clothes, pop, yarn and empty duffel bags.
[Favorite sport to watch] It's a toss up between Pro football and hockey.
[Did you have fun doing this] Sure. I'm in an empty college dorm and classes aren't in session, so I have nothing better to do!
[Slept in your bed] Me
[Saw you cry] Can't remember, it's been a long time since I let someone see me vulnerable
[Made you cry] Can't remember that either... it's usually more a bunch of events than one person
[Spent the night at your house] probably Amy from home...all about the girls' nights
[You went to the mall with] Rachel, because I was actually in Ohio
[Yelled at you] My grandfather, about politics
[Sent you an email] Wang, about work...how sad is that?
[Said they were going to kill you] Me? I don't know. But probably me.
HAVE YOU EVER...
[Said "I love you" and meant it?] I love you, yes. I'm in love with you, no. It's complicated.
[Been to New York?] Yep. Twice.
[Been to Florida?] Twice, but both over 2 years ago.
[California?] Yup
[Hawaii?] I wish, I'd love to see the volcanoes!
[Mexico?] Nuh-uh.
[China?] Nope
[Canada?] Yeah...kinda fun place, but too cold.
[Danced naked?] Not fully naked, but you'd better believe in my underwear!
[Dreamed something really crazy and then it happens the next day?] Occasionally.
[Stalked someone?] Not yet... MWAHAHAHA!!!
[Had a mud bath?] Hmm... not the bath, but I got covered in it a lot as a kid.
[Wished you were the opposite sex?] Numerous times. In the end I always end up glad I'm female, though.
[Had an imaginary friend?] Nope...I was too busy getting dirty to worry about somebody invisible.
[Math or English?] English... math is my nemesis.
[What are you going to do after you finish this survey?] Sleep? Write? I never think that far ahead.
[What was the last food you ate?] Chicken Tenders at Eva's for dinner. I wish I had something better to say, like chocolate.
[Are you bored?] Definitely... there's no one here!!!
[Last time you went out of the state] Yesterday I was in 2 other states, the day before that 4. (Road trip!)
[Lucky number?] 13
[Things you like in a girl/guy?] Intelligence, sense of humor, faith, communication skills, and, let's face it, nice shoulders and eyes.
[Do you have a crush on someone] Perhaps oui, perhaps non. (I'm going for mystique here...work with me) But to be honest, yes.
[Do they know?] Quite possibly.
[Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] Do I ever? No.
[What do you think of Ouija boards?] Hokey and fake...but fun all the same!
[What book are you reading now?] A Girl's Best Friend, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and Beowulf
[Favorite magazine?] I have to pick ONE? Probably Marie Claire, with Cosmo and SI coming next.
[Favorite sound?] Laughter, closely followed by nearly all kinds of music.
[Worst feeling in the world?] Rejection (relationships, jobs, etc.)
[Do you like scary or exciting rollercoasters?] Rollercoasters are all both scary and exciting, which is why I love them so much!
[How many rings before you answer?] Ground line is usually 2. Cell takes longer because I have to find it.
[Future daughter's name?] Kids? KIDS? First I'm getting a dog. Then I might think about finding a husband. But kids are a long, LONG way off yet.
[Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?] Yep. Black bear named Howard.
[If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?] Wide Receiver for the Denver Broncos.
[Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?] Righty, but years of piano lessons are working on ambidextrous
[Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?] You better believe it... years of "Typing Tutor" and computer classes, plus it's faster this way!
[What's under your bed?] At home: who knows. At school: movies, boxes of clothes, pop, yarn and empty duffel bags.
[Favorite sport to watch] It's a toss up between Pro football and hockey.
[Did you have fun doing this] Sure. I'm in an empty college dorm and classes aren't in session, so I have nothing better to do!
The Toothbrush
I sit here crying
Watching you walk out the door
I gave you everything I had,
And still you wanted more.
You leave
With my shredded heart in your pocket
And the memories of our love
In the boxes shoved carelessly onto the elevator.
You press the down button and wait
Painful hesitation ensues, then the elevator rings
Fourth floor, you get in
And leave my life with the creak of the door.
Part of you remains
Your scent on the furniture,
A mismatched sock, a note on the refrigerator,
And your toothbrush.
Surely you'll come back for your toothbrush,
I think hopefully
But days pass and the toothbrush is still here
A monument to dead love.
The toothbrush gets pushed aside
Hidden by perfume and lotion
Replaced by new things, a new life
But, like the memory of you, not completely forgotten.
Then one day, I find it again.
It has been pushed far out of sight
And completely out of mind.
I look at it, then with a shrug
Toss it in the trash.
I have moved on.
Watching you walk out the door
I gave you everything I had,
And still you wanted more.
You leave
With my shredded heart in your pocket
And the memories of our love
In the boxes shoved carelessly onto the elevator.
You press the down button and wait
Painful hesitation ensues, then the elevator rings
Fourth floor, you get in
And leave my life with the creak of the door.
Part of you remains
Your scent on the furniture,
A mismatched sock, a note on the refrigerator,
And your toothbrush.
Surely you'll come back for your toothbrush,
I think hopefully
But days pass and the toothbrush is still here
A monument to dead love.
The toothbrush gets pushed aside
Hidden by perfume and lotion
Replaced by new things, a new life
But, like the memory of you, not completely forgotten.
Then one day, I find it again.
It has been pushed far out of sight
And completely out of mind.
I look at it, then with a shrug
Toss it in the trash.
I have moved on.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Returning Triumphant?
So, the road trip was awesome. Note to self: take more long road trips on your own to see people you know. It's fun. I know it doesn't sound like it would be, but it is.
Buying textbooks at the beginning of the semester makes me want to cry. First of all, the books are EXTREMELY expensive, and there are always more of them than you expect. I can feel myself being gouged. In addition, I know, KNOW that I'll get less than 50% of what I'm paying now back when I sell them back at the end of the semester. And I know that they won't buy some of them back. And worse than that, I know that I'm going to have to try to make time to read ALL of those seemingly millions of books at the end of the semester. It's like losing all my time and money all in one moment, as I hand over my student ID to a bookstore employee who is snickering behind their hand as they hand me a receipt on which to sign my life away. *sigh* And it makes me feel as though I classes are going to start tomorrow, even though I don't actually have class until next Wednesday.
I am, however, mostly looking forward to this semester. I've got some good classes and some excellent professors. I'm a little scared of my class that involves math, but other than that it should be good. And in a week I get to change my major. Hooray! We also worked out our work schedule, and it means that I only work 3 days a week, so I get to relax on Monday and Friday.
It's so quiet around here when all the residents are gone. I almost don't know what to do with myself when no one is stopping by to say hi or running around being stressed about some paper. There aren't even strange noises coming out of the practice rooms. Weird. Very weird.
I'm off to find something to do in this near-solitary confinement. Later.
Buying textbooks at the beginning of the semester makes me want to cry. First of all, the books are EXTREMELY expensive, and there are always more of them than you expect. I can feel myself being gouged. In addition, I know, KNOW that I'll get less than 50% of what I'm paying now back when I sell them back at the end of the semester. And I know that they won't buy some of them back. And worse than that, I know that I'm going to have to try to make time to read ALL of those seemingly millions of books at the end of the semester. It's like losing all my time and money all in one moment, as I hand over my student ID to a bookstore employee who is snickering behind their hand as they hand me a receipt on which to sign my life away. *sigh* And it makes me feel as though I classes are going to start tomorrow, even though I don't actually have class until next Wednesday.
I am, however, mostly looking forward to this semester. I've got some good classes and some excellent professors. I'm a little scared of my class that involves math, but other than that it should be good. And in a week I get to change my major. Hooray! We also worked out our work schedule, and it means that I only work 3 days a week, so I get to relax on Monday and Friday.
It's so quiet around here when all the residents are gone. I almost don't know what to do with myself when no one is stopping by to say hi or running around being stressed about some paper. There aren't even strange noises coming out of the practice rooms. Weird. Very weird.
I'm off to find something to do in this near-solitary confinement. Later.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Curled Up with my Book
We are having gross weather. It is raining for the third day in a row, plus it's cold. Later today it's going to get even colder and the water everywhere is going to freeze, then we're all going to be iced in. I am not looking forward to this. Particularly since I am starting a road trip on Tuesday. It is, however, the perfect weather to sit inside and read.
I like to read. I think it is sort of an escapism thing. I get sucked into the story and everything else disappears. If I'm reading something I like, I block out noise, hunger, cold...it's as though I fall into the story and get stuck there for a while. I love to do it, but I can't do it most of the time because of time constraints. Also, I start to feel a little guilty for escaping for so long, so frequently. So, since it's raining and there's really nothing else that I can do, I think I'll allow myself to sink into a book. I hope it's warmer and dryer wherever you are.
I like to read. I think it is sort of an escapism thing. I get sucked into the story and everything else disappears. If I'm reading something I like, I block out noise, hunger, cold...it's as though I fall into the story and get stuck there for a while. I love to do it, but I can't do it most of the time because of time constraints. Also, I start to feel a little guilty for escaping for so long, so frequently. So, since it's raining and there's really nothing else that I can do, I think I'll allow myself to sink into a book. I hope it's warmer and dryer wherever you are.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
DJ Lauren
I love the radio. Not so much listening to it as being on it. I'm a D.J. and I love my job. It's a fabulous thing, being able to talk and know that people are listening, but not see them and get nervous. I get to play the music I like, talk without facing judging eyes, and chill where no one can see me. I like being an invisible voice. I don't feel insecure if no one can see me. Guess that shows where my fears lie, doesn't it.
Observation for the day: Escapism is a defense mechanism. And I love it.
Observation for the day: Escapism is a defense mechanism. And I love it.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Happy New Year, 2004!
It's 2004. Now all I have to do is repeat that a hundred times until I believe that it's true. It just doesn't seem real to me that it is a new year already. I had just gotten used to it being 2003. I never get used to writing a new date on things until at least February.
I would like to say that I've thought up great and impressive New Years resolutions. I'd like to say that they're really thought-provoking and challenging. I'd like to say that... but I didn't. I have only two resolutions, and neither of them is very good. One is the obvious and traditional "lose 10 pounds". The likelihood is that this will not be achieved, but it's worth trying and maybe if I post that, I'll actually have the determination to do it. The other is to be braver. I often find that I want to do something, like speak to a stranger or say what I'm thinking or take action on an idea, but I chicken out, or allow myself to push the thought to the back of my mind, then cover it up with other things and claim to be "too busy" to do it. My resolution is to have the courage to take action when I'm first thinking about it. I'm also not sure whether that will be a success, but it's worth a shot.
I spent the day yesterday with Rachel. Spending time with Rachel is always awesome because she is like me in so many ways. It's as though she can read my mind sometimes, and can always understand where I'm coming from. She understands when I say I'm afraid of logical love, that I haven't felt "that thing", that being alone scares me to death, that if I'm going to date a guy that he needs to be a Christian, and that "fine" doesn't always mean fine. Thank God for friends like that.
May the new year bring you peace, challenges, friendship, love and contentment. Happy New Year, everyone.
I would like to say that I've thought up great and impressive New Years resolutions. I'd like to say that they're really thought-provoking and challenging. I'd like to say that... but I didn't. I have only two resolutions, and neither of them is very good. One is the obvious and traditional "lose 10 pounds". The likelihood is that this will not be achieved, but it's worth trying and maybe if I post that, I'll actually have the determination to do it. The other is to be braver. I often find that I want to do something, like speak to a stranger or say what I'm thinking or take action on an idea, but I chicken out, or allow myself to push the thought to the back of my mind, then cover it up with other things and claim to be "too busy" to do it. My resolution is to have the courage to take action when I'm first thinking about it. I'm also not sure whether that will be a success, but it's worth a shot.
I spent the day yesterday with Rachel. Spending time with Rachel is always awesome because she is like me in so many ways. It's as though she can read my mind sometimes, and can always understand where I'm coming from. She understands when I say I'm afraid of logical love, that I haven't felt "that thing", that being alone scares me to death, that if I'm going to date a guy that he needs to be a Christian, and that "fine" doesn't always mean fine. Thank God for friends like that.
May the new year bring you peace, challenges, friendship, love and contentment. Happy New Year, everyone.
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