Love and Pain

It's inevitable: if we love someone, we hurt them. When we love people, we get close to them and gain special access to and understanding of their inner workings. We see them at their highest and lowest and, as a result, gain increased power for inflicting pain. Sometimes the pain is intentional, often not. It is just that when we love, we open ourselves to being hurt. We grant power to those we love by valuing their opinions and believing their words...words that won't always be kind. One bit of criticism, a poorly chosen word, and the beloved is injured. It's mutual, too. It is the people we love who hurt us the most, as well. In being close to one another, we are more able to do both good and harm.

Love is always a risk.

Look at your family. Families begin with married couples who, contrary to their portrayals in 1950s TV shows, always fight, at least sometimes. Children, despite their love for their parents, misbehave, rebel, and hurt their parents. Parents, in trying to discipline their children, often scar the kids with harsh words or punishments. Siblings compete against one another and wreak havoc on one anothers' confidence and security.

As one of the patients I worked with last week explained, all marriages end: 50% in divorce, 50% in death. The same statement could be applied to all relationships; even friendships fall apart as a result of distance or fighting or loss of contact. As long as flawed mortals form relationships, those relationships will be flawed and, at least somewhat painful.

So why do we do it? Why does so much of our culture revolve around these dangerous situations? Because in the pain is also love. Risking brokenness is the only way to wholeness. I'm not saying that we all have to find a perfect mate, I don't think that's the case. I'm saying that building loving relationships with family, friends, mentors, and significant others is the most important thing humans can do. Humans were created to love. We're here to love God and one another, despite the risks. While the people we love can hurt us more than others, they can also give us the greatest joy. There are few things in life as rewarding as seeing a loved one happy. And it is only love that can help us cope when the pain is the greatest.

Don't worry if you're out there wondering where the hard, realistic person who writes this blog has gone. I haven't become a hopeless romantic and I'm not going to get all mushy on you. I'm simply asserting something I should have said long ago: Love is the most powerful and most valuable thing we will ever experience, no matter where it comes from. We need to respect and value it each and every day for both the harm and good it causes.