Where's my blankie?

“It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear. [...] It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.” - Marylin Ferguson

Have you ever fallen asleep during a car, plane, or bus trip, then awoken once you reached your destination? You awaken to discover you missed a huge chunk of the journey and, disoriented and groggy, must face a new place with different people and surroundings. That's the feeling I have now. I was so busy with the days immediately in front of me that I lost track of the passing of time. Now I've suddenly become aware of the fact that I have reached the end of my college career and have to go forth from this place. With so little time left, things seem to be running in fast forward and I'm trying to cram as much time with friends as possible into my remaining days while balancing packing and studying for my last two finals.

I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true that it isn't until we lose something that we truly appreciate it. In becoming comfortable with Columbia and Mizzou, I had lost track of the unique feel of the city and the campus. In spending time with people every day, the love I have for my friends here was overlooked. I love my lifestyle here. But I know that I can stay in touch with people and visit, so leaving isn't the hardest part.

This weekend I will graduate from college. I will say goodbye to my friends and leave behind all the things that have become my sources of security over the last four years. Furthermore, I have to return to being a nomad, with my belongings packed in boxes and left behind, only to be sorted and transported again in three months. For a few months, I will be without a social network, without most of my belongings, and without a concrete vision of the future. Then, in the fall, I'll go to a new place, where I'll have to start all over again with forming relationships and building a home.

I am really looking forward to Emory. It's a great school, I love the academic programs, I enjoy the feel of the campus, and Atlanta is a great city. While I'm frightened of starting over again, I've done it before and I know that I'll be alright.

So what's the problem? I hate being stuck in between. I hate saying goodbye to the people here and letting go of the security of my second home. I hate not being able to build connections at Emory yet. I feel incredibly disconnected and, like Ms. Ferguson says above, like I have nothing to hold onto. This is one of those times when every devotional book tells you to trust in God, but, while that helps, it would still be nice to have something more tangible than that. It would be easier if I didn't have to walk through this desert without a person by my side. For now, though, Howard the Bear will have to do.