Cutting and Pasting...

I'm in a period of my life where I seem to be constantly writing "personal statements". I'm forced to describe myself and my life experiences over and over again for classes, job applications, and applications for educational programs, and that's to say nothing of the numerous times I have to "explain my call" or give all of these descriptions in oral form in interviews and classes. Moreover, my written statements are always typed and I always wear suits to the interviews. Needless to say, I'm getting a little tired of repeating the story. It doesn't even feel like my story anymore, it's more of a tale I spin and sell to people. If I were to be genuine, I would handwrite the statements in kindergarten scrawl and wear jeans, sweatshirts, and tennis shoes to the interviews. But genuine doesn't make success, so I keep selling the same stale story.

An application recently asked me to give a "reasonably full account" of my life. I had no idea where to begin or what to include. Other questions on the application asked me to describe my call and my occupational history, which left me wondering what else should be included? I knew instinctively to include my educational background, the people who have most influenced my life, and a bit about my activities in high school and college. Likewise, I knew instinctively to skirt the tougher times in my life, the negative influences on my development, and the points where my fears held me back.

When in life do we learn to cut and paste our pasts to create a "presentable" story? At what point do we begin manipulating our own lives to create a more desirable product? And it doesn't stop with applications, we do it in relationships, too. We hide our dark parts, weaknesses, fears, and poor choices from even the people we care about most. We do this to seek acceptance and love because we no longer have faith in unconditional care and because we can't bear to think about how people might judge us. We don't give our closest friends credit for caring about us in spite of our faults. Instead, we project the polished versions of ourselves, constantly reforming our identities. It's safer than risking the love of those we care about, even when they'd probably exceed our expectations.

I know that I've written a great deal about identity and I'm probably getting redundant at this point, but I've been wondering about this a lot because of recent events in my life. I've begun to feel as though I'm constantly projecting a slightly polished version of myself. I'm reasonably confident, but I still use slightly larger words, brush on a little extra makeup, and carefully edit those personal statements. As my own experiences pressed me to consider this repeatedly, I discovered someone else's much wiser and more articulate description of the same feelings:

"What is the truth about any one of us? I often wonder about that. Psychiatrists, biographers, juries--even close relatives--know how elusive it is. The eye that looks in on us and the eye that looks out from us is not the same eye. Most of us create ourselves--arrange the facts of our lives like flowers in a bowl--cutting here, bending there, covering here, revealing there, and filling in the blank spaces with greenery as needed. Everything we can imagine becomes real. Fabulists. A word to put the best face on what we do. Fabulists. Tellers of tales." - Robert Fulghum, "Uh-Oh: Some Observations from Both Sides of the Refrigerator Door," p. 144).

Pastoral Care

The call came at midnight. Ten minutes later, she was on the doorstep with the fixings for cosmopolitans, hugs, and kind words. For an hour she sat, listened, reassured, questioned, and hugged.

This is not what they teach in seminary, but this is a wise, caring ministry of presence. This is pastoral care for friends.

Arrows 2006

2007 is only two days away, which means that every media outlet is releasing top ten lists and "Best *insert category here* of 2006" features. Some reminiscences are cheesy, others are funny (I rather guiltily admit that I watched the best commercials of 2006 special and laughed. A lot.), all are carefully selected and presented in such a way as to be entertaining. I make no such promise. But, as it is the end of the year, I wanted to do a little introspective ranting and raving. I wanted to present this in the Newsweek style with up arrows, down arrows, and side-to-side arrows, but I'm not particularly good at html, so if it doesn't work, forgive me.

↑ Moving to a new city I adore the city where I now reside, I love the southern weather, and being near my aunt is fabulous. It's amazing to have so many resources at my fingertips and my apartment isn't even too tiny. In addition, my roommate is awesome. While my furniture leaves a bit to be desired, the new location is definitely a step up.

↔ Graduating I got my college degree this year. When this happened, I was a bit shocked. I didn't feel like I'd done enough work to suddenly be a college graduate. I felt like I just showed up for classes for 4 years and they were giving me a degree. Beyond that, it isn't even a particularly useful degree; when I tell people what my degree is in, they look at me VERY confusedly and demand an explanation. And graduating meant moving away from some really incredible friends. But, as boring as the ceremony was, I had a great time over the weekend of graduation hanging out with family and friends. Not to mention that I learned a TON in undergrad and grew up a lot. I'm just still amazed that it's over.

↑ Travel I went on an incredible mission trip to Sao Paulo, Brazil this year that reminded me of the beauty of the world, the commonality of people across the globe, and the enduring tragedy of poverty. I got to make a summer trip to visit family out west, which was unbelievably fun, and I got to make my annual pilgrimmage to my grandparents' house for Christmas. I didn't go 9000 miles this year, but it was still a good year for travel.

↑ Work I know, an up arrow next to "work" seems a bit incongruous, but I had several jobs that I enjoyed this year. I picked up Statistics tutoring in addition to my usual Geology, which meant more fun students and (thankfully) more income. Then I spend the summer doing my favorite job of all: ASP staff. I won't elaborate on that here, since I have before and probably will again later. Then I spent a semester blissfully unemployed, focusing on schoolwork, before getting a fabulous job opportunity for next year. Suffice it to say, I was pleased with my employment (and unemployment) this year.

↓ State of the World As I spent the year insulating myself in my bubbles of school and work, I grew more and more frightened and irritated by the state of the world. Domestic policies were enacted that make my blood boil. The U.S. continued to bully and alienate our neighbors. The violence in the Middle East intensified, poverty and disease plagued most of Africa, yet celebrity culture continued to rule the headlines.

↑ Graduate School I thrived in my first semester of seminary. I can finally be accepted as both liberal and Christian at the same time, by the same people. I enjoyed the coursework and realized that I can handle the level and amount of work quite well. Above all, I met and made friends with some incredible people. I can look back on my struggles to decide in March/April and say decisively that I mad the right choice of schools

↔ Romance This year I attempted to obey the cliches by "being true to myself" and "following my heart" with mixed results. I strived for the amazing, and on the way I hurt someone wonderful. I did what I felt I had to. Perhaps it was selfish. I don't know. Since then I have been in pursuit of fireworks. And maybe I've found some. But that is another story for another year.

↑ Family With every year older I get, I learn to appreciate my family more. We play Confusion and Mafia together, we talk on the phone, and we hug whenever we meet. We are all as stubborn as mules, so we nag and argue with each other constantly. The political and theological views some of my family members hold make me want to scream. But, in spite of it all, I love them and I'm glad I have them. I got to see all but one of my cousins this year, and all of my aunts and uncles, which was an incredible blessing. This was likely the last Christmas at the house my grandparents have lived in for two decades, and seeing my family together there reminded me of just how lucky we are to still be able to do that.

? The Future I have no idea what the future holds in any of these categories and I'm not going to speculate about it here. I'm also not going to list my New Years resolutions (because I wouldn't stick to them anyway) or give some bland platitude about faith for the future. I'm just going to wish you, whoever you are, a close of 2006 with no regrets and a 2007 that starts with hope.

Goodnight Dear Void

Please pat me on the back: I have finished my first semester of grad. school without failing anything, getting totally overwhelmed, or freaking out. Score one for me.

I've got a lot of stuff rattling around in my head aching to get out into long, rambling posts, but none of it is crystallized enough to write about at any great length. Instead, I leave you with these questions:

-How do we trust God with our futures when our minds are busy imagining worst-case scenarios for how our lives will play out?

-What's the proper level of disclosure when an application asks for "a reasonably full account of your life, including important events, relationships with people who have been significant to you, and the impact these events and relationships have had on your development"?

-How many books is it logical to take on a six-day vacation?

-What does it say about me that I care more about the quality of dialogue and character development in movies and books than I do about the plot, writing style, or cinematography?

-How many trees die for the sake of holiday celebrations between the Christmas trees and the use of wrapping paper?

-How do I find my place in the tension between causes that impassion me and the institutions working on those causes that infuriate me?

-Why is it that, despite wonderful feedback in most areas, we focus on the few bits of criticism that are sent our way?

-What am I doing spouting off these questions at 2 a.m. when I should be sleeping?

Exposition

"Sin is inevitable, but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." -Julian of Norwich

Sin, and its wonderful counterpart, pain, are inevitable. And, as Julian states, all will be well. Wounds will heal, grief will fade, pain will ease, transgressions will be forgiven, and hope will return. However, Julian sagaciously declines to specify how or when all will be well. As I listened to a patient in horrific pain cry out, begging for death, I wished that I understood the how and when. As I hugged a grieving friend, I wished I that it were possible to know the how and when. And when I struggled with my own pain, I wished for the speeding of time and a divine revelation of how to heal more quickly. But no answer came. And I was reminded that faith, love, and life are marred by brokenness. But it is only in this brokenness that we can appreciate the promise that all shall be well, however and whenever that is.

The sunset tonight is beautiful. The sun is brilliant tangerine against the silhouette of the skyline. Rose and even lavender tinge the edges of the horizon. I've been trying to comprehend the tragic beauty of sunsets. Some people think they're romantic, but watching the sun drop and disappear has always made me a little sad. Watching the source of daylight vanish, leaving first colorful traces of light, then darkness, behind is a little disheartening. However, I enjoy the mystery and calm of the night. I love the freedom and coziness the darkness lends, and the reminder of God in the stars. Better yet, while I'm not often awake to see it, I love the sunrise and the progression of the sun from a small sliver at the edge of forever to an orb that illuminates the whole sky.

"That's the heart of religious questing, isn't it? Once you get a handle on the infinite cycle of the restless existence of all things, do you despair or do you willingly take your place in the circle? Does enlightenment lead to sorrowful disengagement or willing participation?" -Robert Fulghum, "Uh-oh"

This, to me, is the real challenge of seminary. Sure, it's tough to keep up with the readings and write all the papers and get through all the hours of contextual study, but the real challenge is balancing enlightenment with faith and life. Once you discover that Moses probably parted the "reedy sea" instead of the Red Sea, that the books that made it into the Bible were selected by a group of priests at a conference in Northern Africa, that congregations can be centers of catty, political infighting as much as communities of faith, that people suffer pain and loneliness in hospitals and workplaces and homes without relief, and that ordination means submitting your whole life to an imperfect, human institution, how do you keep on? How do you stake your faith and your life's work on an ancient book in a changing world of hurt where you will struggle each day and may never know whether you're having an impact? I don't have a perfect answer. I have only a few strategies that I have begun to embrace. I have to remember that the texts may be ambiguous, but that contemplation and interpretation can help us to gain a much better understanding than we'd be able to gain if it were simple and straightforward, plus we learn much more in the pursuit. I have to believe that, despite their faults, congregations and churches are our ways of building Christian community and, in spite of their failings, they are our attempt to show love in the world. I have to believe that there will someday be relief for the pain and brokenness, and in the meantime, there are love and joy and beauty in the world, too.

There are days when I disengage. There are days when I come home from the hospital or from campus and collapse in a chair and watch movies to numb myself to the enlightenment that's burning my retinas. But after the sun sets and rises again, I get up and go out to face it again. Because, though I don't know when or how, all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

Jumping into the Getaway Car

I'm about to set off on my third ten-hour drive in the last week and a half, part of two road trips home in as many weeks. In a way it's a treat for me, since I love driving and enjoy the extended time to think late in the semester. The first trip was for an interview that, despite being longer and more intense than I anticipated, had a positive outcome. The second is for a family holiday celebration. Even though it's my least favorite holiday (I don't like Thanksgiving food much and the pressure in the kitchen is enough to make me flee to my room) I'm looking forward to a chance to chill out with my family.

Much as I love school, I'm ready for a chance to be away. As we near the end of the semester, stresses and emotional breakdowns are coming to the forefront. People are becoming short with one another and nerves are rubbed raw by end-of-the-semester pressures. It should be good to get away from that for a few days. By the time we return, people's patience will be renewed and we'll all communicate better.

I'm a firm believer that any long drive must be accompanied by some awesome tunes. After all, who wants to drive 10 hours on the interstate without something to sing along with? I don't. So here's the current "In My Brain" playlist:

Grand Illusion - Styx
Woke Up in a Car - Something Corporate
Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes - Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mombazo
In the Sun - Joseph Arthur
Rockin' Me Baby - Steve Miller Band
All About Soul - Billy Joel
Comfortable - John Mayer
Don't Say You Love Me - M2M (random Scandinavian band that no one besides me knows)
Susie Q - Creedence Clearwater Revival
Grace is Gone - Dave Matthews Band
Out of my Head - Fastball
Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake
You May Be Right - Billy Joel
Sexy Boy - Air
Dumb Girls - Lucy Woodward
You and I Both (Acoustic) - Jason Mraz
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure
Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
Bye Bye Blackbird - Joe Cocker

Now I'll hop into my getaway Buick and drive, singing, off into the sunset.

Love and Pain

It's inevitable: if we love someone, we hurt them. When we love people, we get close to them and gain special access to and understanding of their inner workings. We see them at their highest and lowest and, as a result, gain increased power for inflicting pain. Sometimes the pain is intentional, often not. It is just that when we love, we open ourselves to being hurt. We grant power to those we love by valuing their opinions and believing their words...words that won't always be kind. One bit of criticism, a poorly chosen word, and the beloved is injured. It's mutual, too. It is the people we love who hurt us the most, as well. In being close to one another, we are more able to do both good and harm.

Love is always a risk.

Look at your family. Families begin with married couples who, contrary to their portrayals in 1950s TV shows, always fight, at least sometimes. Children, despite their love for their parents, misbehave, rebel, and hurt their parents. Parents, in trying to discipline their children, often scar the kids with harsh words or punishments. Siblings compete against one another and wreak havoc on one anothers' confidence and security.

As one of the patients I worked with last week explained, all marriages end: 50% in divorce, 50% in death. The same statement could be applied to all relationships; even friendships fall apart as a result of distance or fighting or loss of contact. As long as flawed mortals form relationships, those relationships will be flawed and, at least somewhat painful.

So why do we do it? Why does so much of our culture revolve around these dangerous situations? Because in the pain is also love. Risking brokenness is the only way to wholeness. I'm not saying that we all have to find a perfect mate, I don't think that's the case. I'm saying that building loving relationships with family, friends, mentors, and significant others is the most important thing humans can do. Humans were created to love. We're here to love God and one another, despite the risks. While the people we love can hurt us more than others, they can also give us the greatest joy. There are few things in life as rewarding as seeing a loved one happy. And it is only love that can help us cope when the pain is the greatest.

Don't worry if you're out there wondering where the hard, realistic person who writes this blog has gone. I haven't become a hopeless romantic and I'm not going to get all mushy on you. I'm simply asserting something I should have said long ago: Love is the most powerful and most valuable thing we will ever experience, no matter where it comes from. We need to respect and value it each and every day for both the harm and good it causes.