Cheating

I have a confession to make: I cheat. I know that it is wrong and bad and makes me really unattractive, but I can't help it. Sometimes I just want things so badly that I can't stop myself. Not to mention the peer pressure that others can exert. I have resolved to try harder, but I don't know if I can. After all, a girl can only do so much. From now on, I'll try harder to be faithful to my diet.

Ha! I fooled you, didn't I? I have never cheated in a relationship. Ever. But I do occasionally slip on my diet. I think from now on I'm going to adopt the idea that it is the quantity that is the problem in gaining weight, not actually what you eat. Besides, no matter how hard I try, I can't give up desserts completely. Life is just too short to miss out on the good stuff.

In the meantime, people have actually started coming back to the dorms, which makes me really happy. After all, I'm no longer by myself all the time. Stef and Zach keep me laughing, and Sarah and Chris and the rest of the gang will be here soon.

For now, I have 5 days before classes start for me (I got nothing on Tuesday!!!) so I'm going to start chillin' like a villain. Starting with some old school Mario Bros. in Wang's room. Awesome.

Stolen Stolen Stolen Quiz

LAST PERSON WHO...

[Slept in your bed] Me

[Saw you cry] Can't remember, it's been a long time since I let someone see me vulnerable

[Made you cry] Can't remember that either... it's usually more a bunch of events than one person

[Spent the night at your house] probably Amy from home...all about the girls' nights

[You went to the mall with] Rachel, because I was actually in Ohio

[Yelled at you] My grandfather, about politics

[Sent you an email]  Wang, about work...how sad is that?

[Said they were going to kill you] Me? I don't know. But probably me.

HAVE YOU EVER...

[Said "I love you" and meant it?] I love you, yes. I'm in love with you, no. It's complicated.

[Been to New York?] Yep. Twice.

[Been to Florida?] Twice, but both over 2 years ago.

[California?] Yup

[Hawaii?] I wish, I'd love to see the volcanoes!

[Mexico?] Nuh-uh.

[China?] Nope

[Canada?] Yeah...kinda fun place, but too cold.

[Danced naked?] Not fully naked, but you'd better believe in my underwear!

[Dreamed something really crazy and then it happens the next day?] Occasionally.

[Stalked someone?] Not yet... MWAHAHAHA!!!

[Had a mud bath?] Hmm... not the bath, but I got covered in it a lot as a kid.

[Wished you were the opposite sex?] Numerous times. In the end I always end up glad I'm female, though.

[Had an imaginary friend?] Nope...I was too busy getting dirty to worry about somebody invisible.

[Math or English?] English... math is my nemesis.

[What are you going to do after you finish this survey?] Sleep? Write? I never think that far ahead.

[What was the last food you ate?] Chicken Tenders at Eva's for dinner. I wish I had something better to say, like chocolate.

[Are you bored?] Definitely... there's no one here!!!

[Last time you went out of the state] Yesterday I was in 2 other states, the day before that 4. (Road trip!)

[Lucky number?] 13

[Things you like in a girl/guy?] Intelligence, sense of humor, faith, communication skills, and, let's face it, nice shoulders and eyes.

[Do you have a crush on someone] Perhaps oui, perhaps non. (I'm going for mystique here...work with me) But to be honest, yes.

[Do they know?] Quite possibly.

[Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?] Do I ever? No.

[What do you think of Ouija boards?] Hokey and fake...but fun all the same!

[What book are you reading now?] A Girl's Best Friend, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, and Beowulf 

[Favorite magazine?] I have to pick ONE? Probably Marie Claire, with Cosmo and SI coming next.

[Favorite sound?] Laughter, closely followed by nearly all kinds of music.

[Worst feeling in the world?] Rejection (relationships, jobs, etc.)

[Do you like scary or exciting rollercoasters?] Rollercoasters are all both scary and exciting, which is why I love them so much!

[How many rings before you answer?] Ground line is usually 2. Cell takes longer because I have to find it.

[Future daughter's name?] Kids? KIDS? First I'm getting a dog. Then I might think about finding a husband. But kids are a long, LONG way off yet.

[Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?] Yep. Black bear named Howard.

[If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?] Wide Receiver for the Denver Broncos.

[Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?] Righty, but years of piano lessons are working on ambidextrous

[Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?] You better believe it... years of "Typing Tutor" and computer classes, plus it's faster this way!

[What's under your bed?] At home: who knows. At school: movies, boxes of clothes, pop, yarn and empty duffel bags.

[Favorite sport to watch] It's a toss up between Pro football and hockey.

[Did you have fun doing this] Sure. I'm in an empty college dorm and classes aren't in session, so I have nothing better to do!

The Toothbrush

I sit here crying
Watching you walk out the door
I gave you everything I had,
And still you wanted more.

You leave
With my shredded heart in your pocket
And the memories of our love
In the boxes shoved carelessly onto the elevator.

You press the down button and wait
Painful hesitation ensues, then the elevator rings
Fourth floor, you get in
And leave my life with the creak of the door.

Part of you remains
Your scent on the furniture,
A mismatched sock, a note on the refrigerator,
And your toothbrush.

Surely you'll come back for your toothbrush,
I think hopefully
But days pass and the toothbrush is still here
A monument to dead love.

The toothbrush gets pushed aside
Hidden by perfume and lotion
Replaced by new things, a new life
But, like the memory of you, not completely forgotten.

Then one day, I find it again.
It has been pushed far out of sight
And completely out of mind.
I look at it, then with a shrug
Toss it in the trash.
I have moved on.

Returning Triumphant?

So, the road trip was awesome. Note to self: take more long road trips on your own to see people you know. It's fun. I know it doesn't sound like it would be, but it is.

Buying textbooks at the beginning of the semester makes me want to cry. First of all, the books are EXTREMELY expensive, and there are always more of them than you expect. I can feel myself being gouged. In addition, I know, KNOW that I'll get less than 50% of what I'm paying now back when I sell them back at the end of the semester. And I know that they won't buy some of them back. And worse than that, I know that I'm going to have to try to make time to read ALL of those seemingly millions of books at the end of the semester. It's like losing all my time and money all in one moment, as I hand over my student ID to a bookstore employee who is snickering behind their hand as they hand me a receipt on which to sign my life away. *sigh* And it makes me feel as though I classes are going to start tomorrow, even though I don't actually have class until next Wednesday.

I am, however, mostly looking forward to this semester. I've got some good classes and some excellent professors. I'm a little scared of my class that involves math, but other than that it should be good. And in a week I get to change my major. Hooray! We also worked out our work schedule, and it means that I only work 3 days a week, so I get to relax on Monday and Friday.

It's so quiet around here when all the residents are gone. I almost don't know what to do with myself when no one is stopping by to say hi or running around being stressed about some paper. There aren't even strange noises coming out of the practice rooms. Weird. Very weird.

I'm off to find something to do in this near-solitary confinement. Later.

Curled Up with my Book

We are having gross weather. It is raining for the third day in a row, plus it's cold. Later today it's going to get even colder and the water everywhere is going to freeze, then we're all going to be iced in. I am not looking forward to this. Particularly since I am starting a road trip on Tuesday. It is, however, the perfect weather to sit inside and read.

I like to read. I think it is sort of an escapism thing. I get sucked into the story and everything else disappears. If I'm reading something I like, I block out noise, hunger, cold...it's as though I fall into the story and get stuck there for a while. I love to do it, but I can't do it most of the time because of time constraints. Also, I start to feel a little guilty for escaping for so long, so frequently. So, since it's raining and there's really nothing else that I can do, I think I'll allow myself to sink into a book. I hope it's warmer and dryer wherever you are.

DJ Lauren

I love the radio. Not so much listening to it as being on it. I'm a D.J. and I love my job. It's a fabulous thing, being able to talk and know that people are listening, but not see them and get nervous. I get to play the music I like, talk without facing judging eyes, and chill where no one can see me. I like being an invisible voice. I don't feel insecure if no one can see me. Guess that shows where my fears lie, doesn't it.

Observation for the day: Escapism is a defense mechanism. And I love it.

Happy New Year, 2004!

It's 2004. Now all I have to do is repeat that a hundred times until I believe that it's true. It just doesn't seem real to me that it is a new year already. I had just gotten used to it being 2003. I never get used to writing a new date on things until at least February.

I would like to say that I've thought up great and impressive New Years resolutions. I'd like to say that they're really thought-provoking and challenging. I'd like to say that... but I didn't. I have only two resolutions, and neither of them is very good. One is the obvious and traditional "lose 10 pounds". The likelihood is that this will not be achieved, but it's worth trying and maybe if I post that, I'll actually have the determination to do it. The other is to be braver. I often find that I want to do something, like speak to a stranger or say what I'm thinking or take action on an idea, but I chicken out, or allow myself to push the thought to the back of my mind, then cover it up with other things and claim to be "too busy" to do it. My resolution is to have the courage to take action when I'm first thinking about it. I'm also not sure whether that will be a success, but it's worth a shot.

I spent the day yesterday with Rachel. Spending time with Rachel is always awesome because she is like me in so many ways. It's as though she can read my mind sometimes, and can always understand where I'm coming from. She understands when I say I'm afraid of logical love, that I haven't felt "that thing", that being alone scares me to death, that if I'm going to date a guy that he needs to be a Christian, and that "fine" doesn't always mean fine. Thank God for friends like that.

May the new year bring you peace, challenges, friendship, love and contentment. Happy New Year, everyone.