This evening, instead of writing the two sermons I need to finish by Sunday, I went to the movies with a couple of friends. We didn't really know what to see, but we were looking for something funny and stumbled upon "She's Out of Your League." It's not great cinema by any stretch of the imagination. The acting is mediocre, the humor is shallow and sophomoric, and it's a predictable plotline. But I think that this movie, more than most I've seen lately, has an important message for guys of my generation: GO FOR IT.
The main character in the movie, Kirk, is a self-proclaimed loser. He's an average guy, not particularly attractive, lacking in education, and stuck in a dead-end job. He meets a beautiful, successful woman who is, apparently for no good reason, interested in him. He goes out with her several times and they both seem very interested in each other, but he keeps coming back to his friends and wondering why she'd ever like him. He has no confidence in himself.
I'm not sure if it's just the men I meet, or if this really is as widespread as it seems, but a lot of the guys I run into need some lessons in confidence and assertiveness. I see guys across crowded coffee shops and bars and I can tell by their eye contact, facial expressions, and body language that they're interested in me, but despite encouraging glances and signals, they don't have the guts to come over and strike up a conversation. I have male friends who don't have the guts to make moves on girls they really like. And it makes me wonder: is there something in the way these guys are socialized, in their upbringing or experience that makes them such chickens? Why is it that seemingly decent guys, men who are intelligent and reasonably attractive, are so convinced that they have nothing to offer that they refuse to even risk starting a conversation with a stranger? Is the fear of rejection so petrifying that their feet turn to stone and can't carry them across the room?
I have asked guys out before. I have made the first move. But the thing is, I'm tired of doing it. All day long I'm in charge of things. I have to be assertive and decisive, I have to face people and risk rejection, I have to be in charge. At the end of the day, I'm tired of it. I would like to meet a guy who doesn't force me to make all the moves and decisions. I would like to meet a guy who can start a conversation, express romantic interest, and even go in for a kiss without obvious prompting from me. Why, I ask, is that so hard to find?
Or is it that all of the guys who have confidence and assertiveness have already made their moves successfully and gotten married? Most of my male friends who are my age and married seem to have plenty of confidence and assertiveness. So, are all the guys who are still single in their late twenties either those who haven't had the guts to make moves earlier or those who made moves and are such jerks that their moves were rejected over time?
I wonder if young men struggle as much with confidence and body image as young women, but it's not talked about as much. There's lots of literature about adolescent girls and self-image issues. I wonder if guys have the same problems, but we don't have studies identifying it or language for articulating it. Is it that these issues go untreated because they are unknown, so twenty-something and thirty-something guys are still struggling with them? Or is assertiveness just a dying trait in the male species? There is a sociological study here, I think, but I don't have the time or resources to dig into it.
Since I can't do an official study, I'll try something else. Men: I challenge you. Go start a conversation with someone you don't know. If you're single, try asking out someone you just met. If the girl says yes, bully for you! If she says no, she'll probably have more respect for you because you at least had the courage to try. Either way, I don't think it will be as bad as you fear.
4 comments:
Wow, talk about an appropriate topic.
First of all Google a documentary called "Tough Guise". It touches on a subject like this.
I think a lot of what you think is really obvious gestures to get him to approach you are no where as obvious as you might assume. Now that I am in the Navy I can compare most things to a ship. The department in me that is responsible for decoding signals is really weak. While the department responsible for comebacks and insults is rather prepared.
More to say about this later. I promise.
I have thought about his a lot over the past few days and I think I may have it figured out.
Success with women is so unpredictable and the rules are counter-intuitive. What you would assume would work often backfires. You are playing a game where you don't know the rules and the consequences are almost never spelled out. I have approached women only to be cut down mercilessly or just straight up ignored all together.
I felt like saying "Amen" about 100 times during this post. It's so, so, so true. I am perplexed.
Hey, Lauren! Here's advice from someone who had many of the same feelings and thought I would NEVER, yes NEVER, get married.
Here is the recipe.
Embrace where you are. Don't go looking for love, marriage, etc. Celebrate YOU. Celebrate your job. Celebrate your friends. Celebrate the stage you are in with your life.
If you go looking for "love," you most likely won't find it. I was looking and looking and constantly getting discouraged. Once I let go and saw that what I had was GOOD! I had a job I loved, a home, a car that was paid for, and a family that people would pay money to be a part of. IF...and I repeat...IF I found someone to share it with, that would be icing on the cake.
It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it's what worked for me. Several months later, Bruce came into my life. I wasn't looking.
I also had to take a look at WHAT I was looking for. I don't think that I always knew what was right for me..even thought I thought it was.
Listen to Garth Brooks (think that's right)...Unanswered Prayers.
We should chat!
Easter blessings-
Lara
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