Wisdom of Those Who've Gone Before

I've been worrying lately. Those of you who know me well won't be surprised to hear that, but I felt the need to put it into words. The strange thing is, I'm not really worried about failing. In fact, I'm more worried about the consequences of succeeding.

Right now I'm working on a huge application for the career that I hope I will pursue for the rest of my life. In my area of life, that application process is called "commissioning". And, while I'm a bit concerned about not passing the "commissioning process", I'm actually more afraid of passing and facing the life that is beyond it. All my life I've been in school, taking classes and getting degrees in preparation for some abstract future called a "career" or, in more spiritual circles, a "vocation". Until recently, I looked at that future vocation with hope and excitement, but now that excitement is tinged with fear.

It reminds me of the first time I went to Chicago. I was extremely excited about seeing the skyscrapers and the diversity of the city, of being around people and noise and hustle, and of the contrast from my tiny hometown. But as our family minivan started through the suburbs and the freeway widened to ten lanes, my eyes grew wide in fear. What if the buildings fell down, or I got lost in all those people? I was still excited about Chicago, but up close it was much bigger and more intimidating than I realized.

That's what I'm beginning to realize about my upcoming ministry. It's not that I really think anything will go wrong. It will be a challenge and a learning experience, and I honestly believe that I can do all the necessary tasks of ministry, and even do them relatively well. But it's a lot scarier now that it's looming on the horizon. The responsibilities seem much larger from the downhill slope of seminary.

So today, as I was worrying about my future and rehearsing those quarter-life crisis phrases that many people my age know by heart, I decided to go scanning the blogospere for those who share this experience in common with me. I looked to the internet writings of the people I have admired in my seminary career, to people who are like me, but a couple steps farther down the road. I added their URLs to my links in the hope that, over the coming months, when I'm freaking out about the way my vocation is growing in the windshield, I'll be able to look to their wisdom and see that they are surviving, and even thriving, in the world of ordained ministry that seems so frightening from where I stand.

Deep down, I take courage in the belief that I can follow the path to which I've been called. But it helps to be able to read the travelogues of those who've gone before, look a few chapters ahead, and see that it turned out all right.