Weekend Snapshots

1) It's a hot, sunny day on a swiftly flowing river. The rapids are frothing and, in the calm spots, the sunlight shimmers off the surface of the river. The river is bordered by forest, a mix of evergreens and leafy oaks. My raft is about to go over another level 4 rapid, and we're all paddling together while our river guide sits in back steering with the rudder and shouting instructions. We're all wearing red and blue lifejackets and yellow helmets, dripping with water from the rapids. I'm laughing while the kids in the front of the raft squeal with excitement.

2) The pride parade is winding through the city with crowds of people on either side. The sun is blazing and the pavement is radiating the heat up into the throng of bodies. I'm riding on a float for a friend's real estate company, throwing beads and t-shirts at spectators, waving at the impromptu community that has formed on the sidewalk. Then, as we pass a group of conservative Christians who are protesting the parade, one shouts up at me, "Jesus hates you!" I just smile because I know better.

3) It's 9:00 a.m., but it's already a little too warm to be comfortable outside. The sun is pouring down between the buildings as cars whiz past in the last wisps of rush hour traffic. I'm walking down the sidewalk in my business attire with my bag slung over my shoulder and my head held high. I've survived another overnight duty at the hospital and it went really well. The thought begins to crystallize in my mind: I'm a chaplain.

4) I look into my friend's eyes and finally find a way to say, "I love you no matter what. You can count on me."

In my head

I don't want to go in. I don't know who you are or what you'll say. I don't want seeing your brokenness to remind me of my own. I don't want to be that vulnerable, to face the possibility that you might say something mean or reject me. I don't want to feel awkward or say the wrong thing. I'm frightened. And yet, I want to serve you. I want to hear your story and see your eyes looking at mine. I want to learn from knowing you. I want to hold your hand as we both reach toward God.

He's my age. He's my age and a car accident put him in the hospital for six months. Suddenly, out of nowhere, half a year in the hospital, at times barely clinging to life, only now working on learning to walk again. The same thing could happen to me or one of my friends. Will he be able to make a full recovery? Will he be able to return to work or play sports again? How do I help him find hope and strength for recovery after such a sudden and devastating experience? How do we keep from becoming frightened of everything? On what do you construct a solid foundation?

Terminal cancer. She says it calmly, quickly, in the middle of an explanation, and for a moment I hope I imagined it. Then she says it again, and I know it wasn't just a misunderstanding. The first two doctors said there was nothing they could do. The third offered a possible experimental treatment. In the midst of anger and shock, a tiny bit of hope was offered. But the hope is for remission, not cure. It's terminal. How do we face that condition? Yet again, I feel like a snake oil salesman trying to peddle hope with a smile on my face and an ache in my heart.

I can say that life is a terminal condition. I can say that everything is temporary, both good and bad. I can try to cling to the one constant unshakeable thing: God. But it's hard to make that tangible, it's hard to tell that to people when it sounds so trite, even to my ears. So I sit in the silence. I listen. I offer what little comfort and hope I have and pray that simply showing up will be enough.

Challenge

I'm taking on a tremendous challenge this summer: working as a chaplain intern at a hospital. I've been assigned a few floors in which to visit and care for patients' spiritual needs, but in addition, I have to do night and weekend duties. The night and weekend duties involve very long shifts during which I am the only chaplain in the hospital. When I'm on duty, I will have to respond to all cases of cardiac arrest and all deaths in the hospital to care for patients, family members, and staff. I'll admit right now that I'm terrified of the first time I get called to care for grieving family members in the middle of the night. I think my instincts will kick in and I'll figure out what to do, but it's still frightening to think about. I'm just thankful for the preparation I got through my hospital chaplain experience over the last school year. At least I now have some level of confidence when I walk into patients' rooms.

The nice thing about doing this chaplaincy internship, though, is that the time when I'm away from the hospital is truly free. I don't really have papers or assignments, and those I have I can do while at the hospital. Unlike working for ASP, there are set hours and when they're over, I leave with no responsibilities hanging over my head. It's a lifestyle I'm not really accustomed to since I've been a student for the last 18 years. I really like coming back to my apartment and knowing that the evening is mine to spend as I please, whether that's hanging out with friends, reading, watching movies, or going to bed really early.

Busy...

Please pardon the very long gap between posts... I've been busy taking advantage of the short break between school and summer work by traveling all over the place. I'm on my third state and time zone in the last 3 weeks, so it has been a bit difficult to post. However, there will be full updates on all of this stuff forthcoming. A few posts to look forward to: hometown folks, fun in the pacific northwest, and changing thoughts on small children. So, now that your curiosity is piqued, you can count on updates a few days from now when I'm back at my usual location.

Unconnected Dots

I love black jelly beans, but I don't like licorice. I like ketchup, marinara sauce, and tomato soup, but I dislike fresh tomatoes. I don't know why. Maybe I'm an artificial flavoring junkie.

I'm an extremely word-oriented person. I watch movies mostly for the dialogue and listen to music mostly for the lyrics. I love playing with words, phrases, and imagery. I like writing and reading. At the same time, I constantly find language to be inadequate for capturing reality and truly expressing myself. It's exasperating.

Why do cities think that putting a big metal slab over the pavement where there's a pothole is a solution? Hint for the street maintenance people: it doesn't work. Sorry.

In the fair city where I live, all the streets in a given area have the same name with teeny differences. For example, in an area where the main road is Rosedale St., the smaller branches and crossroads will be Rosedale Dr., Rosedale Ln., Rosedale Park Ln., Rosedale Circle, East Rosedale St., Rosedale Ct., etc. Seriously, there are tons of words and potential road names. Get creative! Increase diversity! But mostly, please be less redundant and confusing!!!

I really enjoy songs that have random lists of things as lyrics. My favorites at the moment are "Ball of Confusion" by the Temptations, "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel, and "La Vie Boheme" from RENT. This may be another manifestation of my love for words, I'm not sure.

Reality Check, or a Rant on my Hatred for Abstract Thought

I can't do abstract thought. There are philosophers and theologians whose ideas and arguments are based in thought so abstract and intangible that I cannot begin to conceive it. I'm sure that their ideas are valuable, I'm sure they're extremely intelligent and well-argued. However, their ideas are so far removed from reality, people, and life that I have no framework for conceiving of them. For example, Karl Barth's main argument, so far as I can tell, is that God is the ultimate unknown, that which we cannot know, and Christ came merely as an arrow that lets humanity know that God is unknowable.

I am a practical person. I love studying the way people and societies interact, I adore history, sociology and psychology. It's not that I insist on concrete ideas, I'm fine with mystery and ambiguity, but I need to be able to relate those things to some form of reality. If there is no basis in reality, what is the purpose of devoting time and energy to thinking about it, anyway? I am grounded in reality, in society, in time and history, in identity. No matter how hard I try, I can't imagine absolute void, I can't conceive of that which is wholly other, and I have no framework for thinking about that which is completely unknown. Furthermore, how is it helpful for people to spend time and energy attempting to contemplate things that are wholly unconnected with reality and life? How does thinking about God as "that which is unknown" help ministers to preach or provide pastoral care? How does that help Christians relate to the deity or grow in their faith?

I have trouble finding the value in ideas and studies that are disconnected from life. To me, what's most important is how we live and how we relate to others and God. I'm most interested in studying people, life, reality, and how those things shape our understandings of God. Maybe I'm too steeped in experience, maybe I'm too human-centered or don't have high enough Christology. But if I have no experience of something, if I cannot even relate it to something that occurs in the world, how can I have any understanding of it? Anything that has no connection with reality is a play of the imagination. And, don't get me wrong, I love using my imagination, but this is not how I choose to use it, and I have trouble playing logic games in the realm of imagination.

This problem with abstract thought occasionally makes me discouraged about my education and future career. I know that I need to be able to understand and explain some pretty abstract concepts. I am constantly told that they're important and valuable. But I'm more of a practical theologian. My gifts are in sociology more than philosophy. And I hope, with God's help, that'll be enough.

I'm a Geek

You’re St. Justin Martyr! You have a positive and hopeful attitude toward the world. You think that nature, history, and even the pagan philosophers were often guided by God in preparation for the Advent of the Christ. You find “seeds of the Word” in unexpected places. You’re patient and willing to explain the faith to unbelievers. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

I'd like to know which church father I would've been if I'd hit the co-worker with a mallet and questioned his masculinity...

Please share your results in the comments section of this post!